The Bad Fitness Influencer: Nutrition Edition

LUNA: Welcome back to my glow-up guide, babes!
EVANDER: Why are you eating stones, Luna?
LUNA: They are not stones; they are mineral crystals!
EVANDER: Crystals are rocks, and you cannot eat rocks.
LUNA: Eating rocks grounds our energy to the earth.
EVANDER: It also breaks your teeth in two seconds.
LUNA: My teeth are reinforced with positive intent, Evander.
EVANDER: Intent does not stop a pebble from cracking enamel.
LUNA: You are too focused on the physical shell, Evander.
EVANDER: I am focused on not having dental surgery, Luna.
LUNA: Surgery is just a way to upgrade our bodies.
EVANDER: I do not want an upgrade that costs five thousand.
LUNA: Money is just energy; don't let it block you.
EVANDER: My bank account is very blocked right now, Luna.
LUNA: That is because you eat too many processed carbs.
EVANDER: I like bread! Bread is the foundation of life.
LUNA: Bread is a cloud of gluten that fogs the mind.
EVANDER: My mind is perfectly clear when I have toast.
LUNA: Try my new "Air and Light" diet for a week.
EVANDER: Air and light? That is just starving yourself!
LUNA: It is called intermittent fasting for the soul.
EVANDER: I call it a recipe for fainting in public, Luna.
LUNA: Fainting is just a quick nap in the universe's arms.
EVANDER: I prefer napping in my own bed with snacks.
LUNA: Snacks are just distractions from our inner power.
EVANDER: My inner power comes from cheese and crackers.
LUNA: Cheese is a fermented anchor that drags you down.
EVANDER: I love being dragged down by a good brie, Luna.
LUNA: You are so attached to the flavors of the ego.
EVANDER: Ego tastes like garlic and butter, which is great.
LUNA: Garlic is too aggressive for the heart chakra.
EVANDER: My heart loves garlic; it keeps the vampires away.
LUNA: Vampires are just metaphors for energy thieves.
EVANDER: You are a bit of an energy thief yourself, Luna.
LUNA: I am a catalyst for your spiritual awakening, Evander.
EVANDER: My awakening consists of wanting you to stop talking.
LUNA: That resistance is just your ego fighting growth.
EVANDER: Growth involves eating actual proteins, honestly.
LUNA: Proteins are just heavy chains for the spirit.
EVANDER: Then I am a very chained man who likes steak.
LUNA: Steak is a vibration of violence and heaviness.
EVANDER: It's a vibration of deliciousness and salt, Luna.
LUNA: Salt is a crystal that blocks the cosmic flow.
EVANDER: My flow is fine as long as my fries are salty.
LUNA: You are trapped in a loop of sensory pleasure.
EVANDER: I am very happy in this loop, thank you.
LUNA: Try drinking only moonlight-infused water today.
EVANDER: How do you infuse water with moonlight, Luna?
LUNA: Leave it in a silver bowl under a full moon.
EVANDER: That is just water that sat outside for hours.
LUNA: It is charged with the lunar frequency of peace.
EVANDER: I think it's just charged with some garden bugs.
LUNA: Bugs are nature's little protein pills, Evander.
EVANDER: I am not eating bug-water for my health, Luna.
LUNA: You lack the courage to embrace the raw world.
EVANDER: I embrace a burger; that is raw enough for me.
LUNA: Burgers are just meat-masks for true nutrition.
EVANDER: What is "true nutrition" in your weird world?
LUNA: A mixture of algae, sunlight, and deep breathing.
EVANDER: That sounds like something a pond frog eats.
LUNA: Frogs are the most balanced creatures on earth.
EVANDER: I do not want to be a frog, Luna, just human.
LUNA: Being human is just the starting point for evolution.
EVANDER: My evolution is toward a nap and some cake.
LUNA: Cake is a sugar-bomb that destroys the aura.
EVANDER: My aura can handle a slice of chocolate cake.
LUNA: Your aura is currently a dull shade of beige.
EVANDER: Beige is a very calming color, actually.
LUNA: Calming is just another word for being asleep.
EVANDER: I love sleep! It's the best part of my day.
LUNA: Sleep is a waste of precious waking energy, Evander.
EVANDER: My waking energy is spent listening to you.
LUNA: That is why you feel so exhausted, my dear.
EVANDER: I am exhausted by your "wellness" journey, Luna.
LUNA: The journey never ends; it only changes frequency.
EVANDER: I want to change the frequency to a different room.
LUNA: You are running away from your own potential, Evander.
EVANDER: My potential is to eat a sandwich in peace.
LUNA: Sandwiches are just squares of limitation and bread.
EVANDER: Squares are great for fitting in my lunchbox, Luna.
LUNA: Your lunchbox is a coffin for your creativity.
EVANDER: It's a plastic box that keeps my grapes cold.
LUNA: Coldness is a shield against the inner fire.
EVANDER: My inner fire is just heartburn from the salsa.
LUNA: Heartburn is the soul trying to speak through heat.
EVANDER: My soul is saying "too much jalapeño", Luna.
LUNA: Jalapeños are catalysts for spiritual awakening, Evander.
LUNA: They burn away the lies of the physical world.
EVANDER: The only lie is that this diet actually works.
LUNA: It works if you believe in the power of light.
EVANDER: I believe in the power of a full stomach, Luna.
LUNA: You are such a materialist; it's almost cute.
EVANDER: Being a materialist means I have actual food.
LUNA: Food is just a distraction from the cosmic dance.
EVANDER: I will dance with a plate of nachos, thank you.
LUNA: Nachos are triangles of chaos and melted cheese.
EVANDER: Chaos tastes great when it's covered in sour cream.
LUNA: You are a lost soul in a world of calories.
EVANDER: I am a happy soul with a very full belly, Luna.
LUNA: I will pray for your aura to turn a brighter blue.
EVANDER: Just leave my aura alone and let me eat, please.
LUNA: The journey continues! Stay glowing, babes!
EVANDER: I'm going to go eat a donut now, honestly.
LUNA: Donuts are circles of illusion and glaze, Evander!
EVANDER: Exactly! And they taste like heaven, Luna.
LUNA: Heaven is found in a bowl of raw kale, my dear.
EVANDER: I am unfollowing your life advice right now.