The Bad Yoga Class: Balance Edition

GURU: Now, find your center in the storm!
ISADORA: My center is currently hitting floor, Guru.
GURU: Falling is just a shortcut to ground truth.
ISADORA: The ground truth is that this pose hurts.
GURU: Pain is the whisper of your sleeping power.
ISADORA: My power is wide awake and screaming now.
GURU: Let the scream become a vibration of light.
ISADORA: I am not vibrating; I am just shaking violently.
GURU: Shaking is just dancing at a microscopic level.
ISADORA: My muscles are doing a very angry dance, sir.
GURU: Anger is just passion without a clear direction.
ISADORA: My direction is toward the exit sign, Guru.
GURU: The exit is an illusion of the material mind.
ISADORA: No, it is a green sign above the door.
GURU: Now, balance on your chin for ten seconds!
ISADORA: I am not putting my face on the mat.
GURU: The mat is a sacred space for all parts.
ISADORA: My chin is not for balancing, Guru.
GURU: Then you are limiting your potential, Isadora.
ISADORA: I am limiting my risk of a concussion, sir.
GURU: A concussion is just a reset for the ego.
ISADORA: I do not want to reset my brain, Guru.
GURU: Close your eyes and feel the gravity shift.
ISADORA: Gravity is shifting me right off the mat.
GURU: Ride the wave of the fall with grace!
ISADORA: I fell with a loud thud, not with grace.
GURU: Thuds are the percussion of spiritual growth.
ISADORA: My growth feels like a bruised elbow, sir.
GURU: Bruises are just medals of the inner warrior.
ISADORA: I am a very battered warrior then, Guru.
GURU: Now, lift your leg until it touches nose!
ISADORA: My leg is not long enough for that, sir.
GURU: Your spirit is long enough to bridge gap.
ISADORA: Spirit does not help with physical reach, Guru.
GURU: That is because you are thinking too logically.
ISADORA: Logic keeps me from breaking my hip, sir.
GURU: The hip is just a hinge for the soul's door.
ISADORA: My hinge is rusty and needs some oil, Guru.
GURU: Oil the hinge with the essence of breath.
ISADORA: Breathing does not lubricate joints, honestly.
GURU: You are too attached to science, my child.
ISADORA: Science is what keeps me alive, Guru.
GURU: Life is just a slow walk toward the void.
ISADORA: Why do you always bring up the void, sir?
GURU: Because the void is where the real yoga happens.
ISADORA: I prefer yoga that happens in a sunny room.
GURU: Sunlight is just a distraction from inner light.
ISADORA: Inner light does not help me see my toes.
GURU: Seeing your toes is a trivial goal, Isadora.
ISADORA: It is the goal of this specific pose, Guru!
GURU: Goals are chains that bind the free spirit.
ISADORA: Then I am very bound to this stretching, sir.
GURU: Now, balance on one finger and hum softly.
ISADORA: That is physically impossible for any human.
GURU: You are not a human; you are a star.
ISADORA: Stars do not have fingers to balance on, Guru.
GURU: Metaphors are the language of the awakened.
ISADORA: I am awake enough to know this is crazy.
GURU: Crazy is just another word for divine flow.
ISADORA: My flow is currently a leak of patience, sir.
GURU: Patience is a flower that blooms in silence.
ISADORA: My flower has wilted from your weird rules.
GURU: Wilted flowers become the soil for new growth.
ISADORA: I am tired of growing; I just want rest.
GURU: Rest is a trap for the uninspired mind.
ISADORA: Then my mind is very inspired to sleep.
GURU: Now, twist your torso until you see back.
ISADORA: I can already see my back in mirror, Guru.
GURU: Mirrors are lies told by the silver glass.
ISADORA: The mirror tells me I am turning red, sir.
GURU: Red is the color of the root chakra's fire.
ISADORA: My face is red because I cannot breathe!
GURU: Breathe through your pores, not just lungs.
ISADORA: Pores are for sweating, not for breathing, Guru.
GURU: You are too limited by biological definitions.
ISADORA: Definitions help me distinguish air from wall.
GURU: Walls are just suggestions of where to stop.
ISADORA: I suggest you stop this class right now.
GURU: The class ends when the universe decides, Isadora.
ISADORA: My universe decided ten minutes ago, Guru.
GURU: Your internal clock is out of sync with cosmos.
ISADORA: My clock says it is time for a sandwich.
GURU: Sandwiches are anchors of the material world.
ISADORA: I love my anchors; they keep me fed, sir.
GURU: Now, balance on your forehead and sing!
ISADORA: I am absolutely not doing that, Guru.
GURU: Singing from the head opens the crown chakra.
ISADORA: It also opens the door to a huge headache.
GURU: Headaches are just thoughts trying to escape.
ISADORA: My thoughts are escaping toward the exit.
GURU: The exit is a mirror of your inner journey.
ISADORA: My journey is ending at the parking lot, sir.
GURU: You are fleeing from the truth of balance!
ISADORA: I am fleeing from a man who wants me singing.
GURU: Singing is the vibration of the divine soul.
ISADORA: My soul prefers the silence of my car.
GURU: Namaste, you stubborn little, non-balancing star!
ISADORA: Goodbye, you neon-wearing, thumb-balancing weirdo!
GURU: She has finally reached the peak of frustration!
ISADORA: The peak is where I leave this place, Guru.