The Bad Life Coach: Social Edition

COACH: To be truly seen, you must act completely random.
CASSANDRA: Random? Like wearing pajamas to work, Coach?
COACH: Exactly! Shock the system of your colleagues.
CASSANDRA: They will think I have a mental breakdown, sir.
COACH: A breakdown is just a breakthrough in disguise.
CASSANDRA: A breakthrough that leads to an HR meeting, Coach.
COACH: HR are just guardians of the boring status quo.
CASSANDRA: They are also the people who can fire me, sir.
COACH: Being fired is just an invitation to find your soul.
CASSANDRA: I would rather find a way to keep my salary, Coach.
COACH: Salary is just a chain that binds you to a desk.
CASSANDRA: My chain pays for my apartment and internet, sir.
COACH: Internet is a digital fog that obscures the truth.
CASSANDRA: The truth is I need money to survive, Coach.
COACH: Survival is for animals; humans should thrive!
CASSANDRA: Thriving usually involves having some money, sir.
COACH: Money is just an illusion of value and power.
CASSANDRA: It's a very useful illusion when buying groceries.
COACH: Try eating only the energy of the universe, Cassandra.
CASSANDRA: I tried that for lunch; I am still very hungry.
COACH: Hunger is the same as curiosity, just in stomach.
CASSANDRA: My stomach is curious about a cheeseburger, Coach.
COACH: Cheeseburgers are anchors that keep you grounded.
CASSANDRA: I like being grounded; it keeps me from floating.
COACH: Floating is where the real social power lies, Cassandra.
CASSANDRA: Social power should not involve floating away, sir.
COACH: Now, try greeting everyone with a loud scream.
CASSANDRA: A scream? Why would I scream at my boss, Coach?
COACH: It clears the air and establishes your dominance.
CASSANDRA: Dominance usually involves competence, not screaming.
COACH: Competence is a mask for those who lack passion.
CASSANDRA: Passion for what? For being loud and weird?
COACH: Yes! The world needs more beautifully weird people.
CASSANDRA: I am not "beautifully weird"; I am just an accountant.
COACH: Accounting is the most boring art form, Cassandra.
CASSANDRA: It's not art; it's math and spreadsheets, sir.
COACH: Spreadsheets are just grids of numeric poetry, truly.
CASSANDRA: My poetry is about tax deductions and audits.
COACH: Audits are just spiritual cleansings for the wallet.
CASSANDRA: I do not think my clients will see it that way.
COACH: They will be enlightened by your new approach, Cassandra.
CASSANDRA: Enlightened or confused? Probably both, Coach.
COACH: Confusion is the gateway to a higher understanding.
CASSANDRA: I am starting to understand that you are crazy.
COACH: Crazy is just another word for "unbound by rules".
CASSANDRA: Rules keep me from accidentally offending everyone, sir.
COACH: Offending others is a sign of your own authenticity.
CASSANDRA: Authenticity should not mean being a nuisance, Coach.
COACH: A nuisance is just a catalyst for change, Cassandra.
CASSANDRA: The only change will be my employment status, sir.
COACH: Employment is a temporary state of being, Cassandra.
COACH: Your true job is to be a beacon of light.
CASSANDRA: Beacons are usually stationary and don't move, Coach.
COACH: Exactly! Find your still point in the chaos.
CASSANDRA: I found my still point; it's far away from you.
COACH: That distance is just a mirror of your fear.
CASSANDRA: My fear is that I might actually listen to you.
COACH: Then you are already halfway to enlightenment, Cassandra.
CASSANDRA: Enlightenment sounds like it involves too much shouting.
COACH: Shouting is the language of the awakened spirit!
CASSANDRA: I prefer the language of a quiet office, sir.
COACH: Quiet is just the silence of the graveyard, Cassandra.
CASSANDRA: My office is not that dead; people actually work.
COACH: Work is just a slow dance toward retirement.
CASSANDRA: I am looking forward to that dance, Coach.
COACH: Retirement is just another cage with better furniture.
CASSANDRA: I love comfortable furniture and no deadlines, sir.
COACH: You are too attached to the concept of comfort.
CASSANDRA: Comfort is why I enjoy my life, Coach.
COACH: True joy comes from the friction of discomfort.
CASSANDRA: My friction is currently coming from this session.
COACH: See? You are experiencing a burst of growth, Cassandra!
CASSANDRA: Growth in what? In my desire to leave, sir.
COACH: Leaving is just an arrival at another destination.
CASSANDRA: My destination is the exit door and then home.
COACH: Your home is just a box for your body, Cassandra.
CASSANDRA: A box that has a very nice shower and bed.
COACH: Showers are just ways to wash away the experience.
CASSANDRA: I prefer washing away the sweat and the dirt.
COACH: Dirt is the memory of the earth on skin.
CASSANDRA: I do not want the earth's memory in my pores.
COACH: You are fighting the natural flow of existence, Cassandra.
CASSANDRA: My existence is just fine with some soap, Coach.
COACH: Soap is a chemical lie that hides your essence.
CASSANDRA: My essence smells like lavender and clean linen, sir.
COACH: Lavender is too calming; you need more fire!
CASSANDRA: I am on fire with the need to end this call.
COACH: Your passion is finally emerging from the grid!
CASSANDRA: It's not passion; it's just total exhaustion, Coach.
COACH: Exhaustion is the doorway to a new beginning.
CASSANDRA: My new beginning starts with blocking your number.
COACH: Blocking is just a way of creating a sacred boundary.
CASSANDRA: My sacred boundary is "no more advice from you".
COACH: You are finally taking control of your life, Cassandra!
CASSANDRA: I am taking control by leaving this conversation, sir.
COACH: Go then! Dance in the rain of your own chaos!
CASSANDRA: I will dance with a burger and some peace, Coach.
COACH: A burger is just a circle of material desire, Cassandra.
CASSANDRA: Yes, and it's a delicious one. Goodbye, Coach!
COACH: She has finally awakened to the truth of cheese!
CASSANDRA: Just stop talking and let me go, please.