The Bad Tech Support: Hardware Edition

STELLAN: Why are you bringing a magnet near it?
TECH: Magnets realign the digital flow, Stellan.
STELLAN: Magnets erase hard drives, you idiot!
TECH: That is only if you use boring magnets.
STELLAN: There are no boring or exciting magnets, sir.
TECH: This one is a rare earth harmonic magnet.
STELLAN: It is just a piece of metal with pull.
TECH: The pull helps the data find its home.
STELLAN: Data does not have a home; it has sectors.
TECH: Sectors are just neighborhoods for binary, Stellan.
STELLAN: Please stop talking and fix my screen.
TECH: Your screen is just tired and needs warmth.
STELLAN: Tired? It is a piece of glass and LEDs!
TECH: Glass can feel the chill of the room, Stellan.
STELLAN: That is why I have a heater in here.
TECH: Now, I will use the hair dryer on it.
STELLAN: Do not blow hot air into the motherboard!
TECH: It helps the circuits relax their tension.
STELLAN: Circuits do not have tension, they have voltage.
TECH: Voltage is just electronic stress, Stellan.
STELLAN: You are treating my PC like a human being.
TECH: All machines have a soul of silicon, Stellan.
STELLAN: My soul is currently screaming in frustration.
TECH: That scream is a sign of system update.
STELLAN: I did not trigger any updates today, sir.
TECH: The universe triggered an update for you.
STELLAN: I just want my spreadsheets to open now.
TECH: Spreadsheets are too rigid for the spirit.
STELLAN: My spirit needs to calculate the budget!
TECH: Budgeting is a cage for your financial flow.
STELLAN: Flow does not pay the electricity bill, sir.
TECH: Electricity is just captured lightning, Stellan.
STELLAN: Yes, and you are about to let it out!
TECH: Now, I will tap the case with this hammer.
STELLAN: DO NOT HAMMER MY COMPUTER, PLEASE!
TECH: A gentle percussion helps the bits settle.
STELLAN: Bits do not settle like sand in glass!
TECH: In my experience, a good knock always works.
STELLAN: Your experience is making me very nervous.
TECH: Nervousness is just static energy, Stellan.
STELLAN: I can feel the static; it is coming from you.
TECH: That means we are perfectly synchronized, Stellan.
STELLAN: Synchronized in what? Mutual destruction?
TECH: Destruction is the first step to creation.
STELLAN: I do not want to create a new pile of scrap.
TECH: Scrap is just raw material for future art.
STELLAN: This is not an art project; it is my work!
TECH: Work is a social construct of the industrial era.
STELLAN: My rent is a very real construct, sir.
TECH: Rent can be paid with digital tokens of gratitude.
STELLAN: My landlord does not take gratitude tokens.
TECH: He lacks the vision for the new economy, Stellan.
STELLAN: I think you lack the knowledge of electronics.
TECH: Knowledge is just a collection of old facts.
STELLAN: Facts like magnets erase data are still true!
TECH: Truth evolves as we move through dimensions.
STELLAN: We are in one dimension: this room, sir.
TECH: This room is a portal to the digital void.
STELLAN: The only void here is the one in your logic.
TECH: Logic is a straight line; I prefer curves.
STELLAN: Curves are great for roads, not for circuits.
TECH: Curved electricity flows with more grace, Stellan.
STELLAN: Electricity follows the path of least resistance!
TECH: Exactly! And my hammer provides that path.
STELLAN: STOP TALKING ABOUT THE HAMMER, PLEASE!
TECH: Now, I will sprinkle some salt on the RAM.
STELLAN: SALT? Why would you put salt on memory?
TECH: Salt preserves the memories from decaying.
STELLAN: RAM is volatile memory; it decays in seconds!
TECH: Then we must preserve it with extreme urgency.
STELLAN: You are going to short out the whole board!
TECH: A short circuit is just a sudden epiphany.
STELLAN: An epiphany that smells like burnt plastic, sir.
TECH: Burnt plastic is the scent of progress, Stellan.
STELLAN: Progress should not involve smoke and fire.
TECH: Fire is the ultimate cleanser of hardware.
STELLAN: I do not want my PC cleansed by flames!
TECH: Then we must move to a softer approach, Stellan.
STELLAN: Please tell me it does not involve magnets.
TECH: I will use a feather to dust the processor.
STELLAN: Finally! Something that is not destructive.
TECH: But I will tickle the chip to wake it up.
STELLAN: Chips do not have a sense of touch, sir.
TECH: They have a digital reflex for humor, Stellan.
STELLAN: You are the only one laughing here, technician.
TECH: Laughter is the best lubricant for machines.
STELLAN: I am going to throw this PC out window.
TECH: That would be a great study in gravity, Stellan.
STELLAN: Gravity is the only thing working today!
TECH: Just give it one more chance with the salt.
STELLAN: GET OUT! TAKE YOUR SALT AND MAGNETS AND GO!
TECH: Fine, but your BIOS might start singing opera.
STELLAN: Why would my BIOS start singing, sir?
TECH: I adjusted the clock speed for a little aria.
STELLAN: I HATE THIS SERVICE! I HATE IT ALL!
TECH: See you next month for the screen cleaning!
STELLAN: DO NOT EVER COME BACK TO MY HOUSE!