Grape Grievances

SOMMELIER: And now, we move to the 1982 Chateau Margaux. Please, describe your impressions.
ODETTE: It... has a very "purple" taste.
SOMMELIER: "Purple"? That is not a tasting note, Ms. Odette.
ODETTE: I mean, it tastes like the color purple?
SOMMELIER: Purple is a visual spectrum, not a flavor profile.
JASPER: I'm getting notes of... old library books?
SOMMELIER: "Old library books." Interesting. Perhaps you detect the tannins of aged oak.
JASPER: No, it literally tastes like a dusty shelf in a basement.
SOMMELIER: Such a raw interpretation. Though perhaps a bit too literal.
ODETTE: I'm detecting a hint of... strawberry jam?
SOMMELIER: Jam? This is a fine Bordeaux, not a breakfast spread.
ODETTE: Maybe it's "forest berry reduction"?
SOMMELIER: Now you are guessing. Please, be honest with the wine.
JASPER: I think I taste a hint of... pennies?
SOMMELIER: Pennies? Are you suggesting the wine has a metallic finish?
JASPER: Yes, like I'm sucking on a coin.
SOMMELIER: That is an appalling observation. This wine is balanced and elegant.
ODETTE: I find it very "bold".
SOMMELIER: "Bold" is a word used by people who don't know what they're tasting.
ODETTE: Well, it's bold for me!
SOMMELIER: Please, try the 2005 Pinot Noir. Tell me of the "terroir".
JASPER: The "terrain"? Like... where the grapes grew?
SOMMELIER: Exactly. Can you feel the soil?
ODETTE: I can feel the glass in my hand. Is that a terroir?
SOMMELIER: You are mocking the art of oenology.
JASPER: I'm not mocking, I'm just confused! Why is it so sour?
SOMMELIER: It is not "sour"; it is "bright and acidic".
ODETTE: My tongue is curling up; that's pretty bright.
SOMMELIER: Such a lack of sophistication is truly breathtaking.
JASPER: I think I prefer the boxed wine we have at home.
SOMMELIER: *Gaps* Boxed wine? In this sanctuary of taste?
ODETTE: It comes in a convenient cardboard box!
SOMMELIER: You are treating a masterpiece like a grocery store commodity.
JASPER: But the boxed one doesn't taste like pennies.
SOMMELIER: Now, let us examine the nose of this vintage. Swirl your glasses.
ODETTE: If I swirl any harder, I'm going to spill it on my shoes.
SOMMELIER: The swirl releases the aromatics. What do you smell?
JASPER: I smell... wet dog?
SOMMELIER: Wet dog?! This is a curated selection!
JASPER: Maybe it's a "rustic" scent?
SOMMELIER: Rustic does not mean canine, Mr. Jasper.
ODETTE: I smell... burnt toast?
SOMMELIER: Burnt toast? Are you having a stroke or tasting wine?
ODETTE: It's just a very smokey aroma!
SOMMELIER: "Smokey" is for Islay scotch, not a delicate white!
JASPER: Wait, this is the white one? I thought it was red.
SOMMELIER: You have been drinking the Chardonnay for ten minutes!
JASPER: It's all just fermented grape juice to me.
SOMMELIER: "Fermented grape juice." My god, I can't breathe.
ODETTE: I think the legs on this wine are very... leggy.
SOMMELIER: "Leggy"? That is a redundant observation.
ODETTE: I'm just describing what I see!
SOMMELIER: You see nothing. You are tasting with your ego, not your palate.
JASPER: I'm tasting with my tongue, which is currently numb.
SOMMELIER: Perhaps you should return to the juice boxes.
ODETTE: We are trying our best to be sophisticated!
SOMMELIER: Sophistication cannot be faked; it must be cultivated.
JASPER: Can we cultivate it faster if we drink more?
SOMMELIER: Quantity does not equal quality, sir.
ODETTE: I think this wine has a "cheeky" finish.
SOMMELIER: "Cheeky"? Wine does not have a personality!
ODETTE: This one does! It's mocking me!
SOMMELIER: The wine is not mocking you; your lack of taste is.
JASPER: I think I found a piece of cork in mine.
SOMMELIER: Impossible! I used a professional extractor.
JASPER: Well, there's a little brown bit floating here.
SOMMELIER: That is likely a sediment of prestige.
ODETTE: Sediment of prestige? It's just a crumb!
SOMMELIER: You are both utterly devoid of nuance.
JASPER: Nuance tastes like pennies to me.
SOMMELIER: I cannot do this anymore. Please, leave my cellar.
ODETTE: But we haven't tried the dessert wine!
SOMMELIER: Get out before I call security.
JASPER: Was it the "wet dog" comment?
SOMMELIER: GET OUT!
ODETTE: He was very passionate about his grapes.
JASPER: I still think the boxed wine is better.
ODETTE: It definitely doesn't taste like old libraries.
JASPER: Should we go get some pizza?
ODETTE: Yes, and a large soda.
JASPER: Do you think the soda has "terroir"?
ODETTE: Shut up, Jasper.
JASPER: I just wanted to know if it was "bright".
ODETTE: It's brown and bubbly. That's its terroir.
JASPER: I like your way of thinking.
ODETTE: Me too. Now let's go before he finds us.
JASPER: I wonder if he sells those glasses.
ODETTE: We have glasses at home.
JASPER: But these are "sophisticated" glasses.
ODETTE: They are just pieces of glass, Jasper.
JASPER: I feel like a failure as a wine taster.
ODETTE: You're a success as a penny-taster.
JASPER: That's not a thing!
ODETTE: It is now. Welcome to the "Penny Club".
JASPER: Do we get memberships?
ODETTE: Only if you can find a wine that tastes like nickels.
JASPER: Challenge accepted!
ODETTE: I'm doomed.
JASPER: We're just exploring the lapping of flavors!
ODETTE: Just walk to the car, Jasper.
JASPER: In a "bold" manner?
ODETTE: JUST WALK!