The Yoga Disaster

GARY: Am I doing this?
LISA: You are upside down.
GARY: Is that the goal?
LISA: Not for this pose.
GARY: My leg is stuck.
LISA: Which leg, Gary?
GARY: The left one.
LISA: It is behind your head.
GARY: Oh, so it is.
LISA: Please untangle yourself.
GARY: I cannot move.
LISA: Just breathe deeply.
GARY: I am breathing panic.
LISA: Focus on the center.
GARY: My center is dizzy.
LISA: Stop wiggling around.
GARY: Help me get out!
LISA: You are disrupting flow.
GARY: Flow is for rivers.
LISA: It is spiritual energy.
GARY: Energy feels like cramps.
LISA: That is just tension.
GARY: Tension in my toes.
LISA: Try to relax, Gary.
GARY: I am very relaxed.
LISA: You are shaking violently.
GARY: That is a vibration.
LISA: It looks like fear.
GARY: I fear the mat.
LISA: The mat is rubber.
GARY: Rubber is too grippy.
LISA: That keeps you steady.
GARY: I am too steady.
LISA: What does that mean?
GARY: I cannot slide away.
LISA: Why would you slide?
GARY: To escape this pose.
LISA: Just push your hips.
GARY: Which way is hip?
LISA: You know your body.
GARY: Not in this position.
LISA: Just move slightly left.
GARY: Now I am rolling.
LISA: Stop rolling, Gary!
GARY: I am a burrito!
LISA: You are a disaster.
GARY: A flexible disaster.
LISA: You are not flexible.
GARY: My arm is stretching.
LISA: That is the mat.
GARY: Oh, okay then.
LISA: Please just sit up.
GARY: I cannot find floor.
LISA: It is right there.
GARY: Everything is green here.
LISA: Because we are grass.
GARY: I feel like clover.
LISA: Focus on the breath.
GARY: I smell dog food.
LISA: Whose dog is that?
GARY: It is licking me.
LISA: Ignore the dog, Gary.
GARY: He likes my ear.
LISA: Stay in the moment.
GARY: The moment is wet.
LISA: Yoga requires total silence.
GARY: My joints are clicking.
LISA: That is normal aging.
GARY: I am only thirty.
LISA: Then you are old.
GARY: That was mean, Lisa.
LISA: Truth is often mean.
GARY: Help me move now.
LISA: Wait for the bell.
GARY: I cannot wait longer.
LISA: Just ten more seconds.
GARY: My face is purple.
LISA: It matches your mat.
GARY: This is not funny.
LISA: It is slightly funny.
GARY: I am in pain.
LISA: Pain is just growth.
GARY: I do not want growth.
LISA: Everyone wants to grow.
GARY: Not my hamstrings, no.
LISA: They need the stretch.
GARY: They are screaming, Lisa!
LISA: Let them scream internally.
GARY: My internal is loud.
LISA: Just find your peace.
GARY: Peace is a sandwich.
LISA: You are thinking food.
GARY: Yoga makes me hungry.
LISA: We eat after class.
GARY: I need it now.
LISA: Be patient, burrito man.
GARY: I am not burrito.
LISA: You still look like one.
GARY: Help me unroll then!
LISA: Fine, just stay still.
GARY: I am trying, really.
LISA: Stop sneezing, Gary.
GARY: The grass is itchy.
LISA: Nature is often itchy.
GARY: I hate nature today.
LISA: Just close your eyes.
GARY: Now I see stars.
LISA: That is the enlightenment.
GARY: Or maybe a concussion.
LISA: You fell over, right?
GARY: Yes, quite hard.
LISA: Welcome to yoga, Gary.
GARY: I am leaving now.
LISA: You are still rolled.
GARY: Just roll me home.