The Yoga Retreat Fail

BEATRIX: I can't do this.
SILAS: Shhh! We are in a silent retreat!
BEATRIX: But it's been ten minutes!
SILAS: Ten minutes is nothing in zen time.
BEATRIX: Zen time is too slow.
SILAS: That's the whole point, Beatrix.
BEATRIX: I have things to say!
SILAS: Say them in your head.
BEATRIX: My head is too loud.
SILAS: Then quiet your mind.
BEATRIX: How? By not thinking?
SILAS: Exactly. Stop thinking.
BEATRIX: I'm thinking about how much I hate this.
SILAS: Now you're just thinking about hating.
BEATRIX: It's a very strong thought!
SILAS: Use the breath to push it away.
BEATRIX: I'm breathing, but the hate is still here.
SILAS: Maybe your hate is a part of you.
BEATRIX: My hate for this silence is definitely a part of me.
SILAS: Embrace the void.
BEATRIX: The void is boring.
SILAS: Boring is where peace lives.
BEATRIX: Peace is just another word for nap time.
SILAS: Then take a nap!
BEATRIX: I can't nap with you staring at me.
SILAS: I am not staring, I am meditating.
BEATRIX: Your meditation looks like judging.
SILAS: I am judging your lack of zen.
BEATRIX: You are not zen! You're just pretending.
SILAS: Pretending is the first step to becoming.
BEATRIX: I'm becoming a person who screams.
SILAS: Please don't scream here.
BEATRIX: I want to scream just once.
SILAS: The guide will kick us out.
BEATRIX: Let them! We can go get burgers.
SILAS: Burgers sound amazing right now.
BEATRIX: See? Your inner self wants meat.
SILAS: My inner self is a carnivore.
BEATRIX: Let's just leave.
SILAS: We paid for the whole weekend!
BEATRIX: Money is a small price for sanity.
SILAS: Sanity is overrated in nature.
BEATRIX: Nature is too quiet, Silas.
SILAS: It's not quiet, listen to the birds.
BEATRIX: The birds are mocking me.
SILAS: How can birds mock you?
BEATRIX: They know I want burgers.
SILAS: You are losing it.
BEATRIX: I lost it the moment we stopped talking.
SILAS: Communication is a distraction.
BEATRIX: No, communication is survival!
SILAS: We are surviving just fine.
BEATRIX: My brain is eating itself.
SILAS: That's just the detox process.
BEATRIX: Detox from what? Words?
SILAS: Yes, words are toxic to the soul.
BEATRIX: Then my soul is very healthy.
SILAS: Because you never stop talking?
BEATRIX: Exactly! I am a soul-cleaner.
SILAS: You're a noise-maker.
BEATRIX: A professional one!
SILAS: Shhh! The guide is looking.
BEATRIX: Let him look at my 'expressive' face.
SILAS: Your face looks like it's in pain.
BEATRIX: It is! This is emotional agony.
SILAS: Agony is just another path to enlightenment.
BEATRIX: Then I am the most enlightened person here.
SILAS: I can't believe you're actually enjoying this.
BEATRIX: I'm not! I'm suffering!
SILAS: But you're talking about it.
BEATRIX: Talking is my only joy.
SILAS: We are failing at this retreat.
BEATRIX: Failure is a great teacher.
SILAS: What have we learned?
BEATRIX: That silence is terrifying.
SILAS: And that burgers are the answer.
BEATRIX: Precisely.
SILAS: Let's sneak out through the back.
BEATRIX: Now we're talking!
SILAS: Wait, don't say it out loud!
BEATRIX: I can't help it!
SILAS: Shhh!
BEATRIX: I'm whispering!
SILAS: Whispering is still noise.
BEATRIX: You are so strict about this.
SILAS: I want to win at silence.
BEATRIX: Win? It's a retreat, not a contest.
SILAS: Everything is a contest if you try hard enough.
BEATRIX: Your competitiveness is an illness.
SILAS: An illness I embrace with passion.
BEATRIX: Just move your feet toward the exit.
SILAS: On the count of three.
BEATRIX: One...
SILAS: Two...
BEATRIX: THREE!
SILAS: RUN!
BEATRIX: FREEDOM!
SILAS: BURGERS!
BEATRIX: I love you for this, Silas.
SILAS: I know.
BEATRIX: Now let's never come back.
SILAS: Agreed.
BEATRIX: Can we talk now?
SILAS: Talk my ear off, Beatrix.
BEATRIX: First, let's talk about cheese.
SILAS: I'm all ears.
BEATRIX: Double cheese for me!
SILAS: And triple for me.
BEATRIX: Now that is a real retreat.
SILAS: The retreat to the grill.
BEATRIX: Best idea you've had all year.
SILAS: I know, right?
BEATRIX: Now hurry up before they find us!
SILAS: I'm already halfway there!
BEATRIX: Wait for me!
SILAS: Last one there is a silent monk!
BEATRIX: You're on!