Folder Fever

EVANDER: Xanthe, why is there a label on the toaster?
XANTHE: It says "TOASTER". For efficiency.
EVANDER: I know what a toaster is!
XANTHE: Now you know for sure.
EVANDER: Why is there a label on the... grape?
XANTHE: That's "GRAPE #1".
EVANDER: You labeled individual grapes?
XANTHE: Inventory management, Evander. We can't just eat them randomly.
EVANDER: It's fruit! Not a warehouse of car parts!
XANTHE: Randomness is the enemy of progress.
EVANDER: I can't find my socks.
XANTHE: Check the "FOOTWEAR - COTTON - LEFT" bin.
EVANDER: You have separate bins for left and right socks?
XANTHE: Obviously. They aren't interchangeable.
EVANDER: They are literally the same sock!
XANTHE: The structural orientation is different.
EVANDER: I think you've finally snapped.
XANTHE: I haven't snapped; I've optimized.
EVANDER: Why is there a label on the cat?
XANTHE: That's "FELINE - ORANGE - LOUD".
EVANDER: The cat doesn't like his label, Xanthe.
XANTHE: He'll get used to his designation.
EVANDER: I found a label on my forehead!
XANTHE: That's "HUSBAND - CONFUSED - UNHELPFUL".
EVANDER: That is not an optimization; that's an insult!
XANTHE: Accuracy is the first step toward improvement.
EVANDER: I'm taking all these labels off.
XANTHE: Don't you dare touch the system!
EVANDER: The "system" is making me feel like a barcode!
XANTHE: Barcodes are efficient for scanning.
EVANDER: I am not a can of soup!
XANTHE: You're acting like one; very salty and condensed.
EVANDER: Where is the remote?
XANTHE: Look in "ELECTRONICS - REMOTE - TV".
EVANDER: It was right here on the table!
XANTHE: The table has been reorganized into "SURFACE - HORIZONTAL - MAIN".
EVANDER: I just want to watch the news.
XANTHE: First, you must fill out the "VIEWING REQUEST FORM".
EVANDER: A form? For the TV?
XANTHE: To track our media consumption patterns.
EVANDER: I am not filling out a form to see the weather!
XANTHE: Then you can't access the screen.
EVANDER: You're treating our home like a government office!
XANTHE: Government offices are very organized.
EVANDER: They are notoriously slow and confusing!
XANTHE: Exactly! I'm aiming for that level of authority.
EVANDER: Why is there a label on the toilet paper?
XANTHE: "HYGIENE - PAPER - PLY 2".
EVANDER: I know it's two-ply, Xanthe!
XANTHE: Now you have visual confirmation.
EVANDER: I can't breathe in here; there are too many stickers.
XANTHE: The stickers provide a sense of security.
EVANDER: They provide a sense of claustrophobia!
XANTHE: You just lack the vision for a labeled life.
EVANDER: My vision is blurry because you put a label on my glasses!
XANTHE: That's "VISION AID - CORRECTIVE - CLEAR".
EVANDER: I CAN'T SEE THE LABEL BECAUSE IT'S ON THE LENS!
XANTHE: Then the labeling was unsuccessful. I'll redo them.
EVANDER: NO MORE REDOING!
XANTHE: Calm down, "HUSBAND - ANGRY - LOUD".
EVANDER: STOP LABELING MY EMOTIONS!
XANTHE: It helps me categorize your outbursts.
EVANDER: My outbursts are a reaction to the labels!
XANTHE: A classic feedback loop. Fascinating.
EVANDER: I'm going for a walk.
XANTHE: Wait! You need your "OUTDOOR - SHOES - LEFT" and "RIGHT".
EVANDER: I'll just wear my slippers!
XANTHE: Slippers are for "INTERIOR - LOUNGE - RELAXATION".
EVANDER: I am relaxing by leaving this house!
XANTHE: Please sign the "DEPARTURE LOG" before you go.
EVANDER: There is a log for leaving the house?
XANTHE: To track your time away from the system.
EVANDER: I'm not signing anything.
XANTHE: Then you are an "UNAUTHORIZED EXIT".
EVANDER: I don't care! I'm free!
XANTHE: You forgot your "KEY - METAL - FRONT DOOR".
EVANDER: I... oh, right. Thanks.
XANTHE: Don't forget to log your return time.
EVANDER: I might not come back!
XANTHE: That would be a "PERMANENT RELOCATION event".
EVANDER: Maybe it will!
XANTHE: I'll just label the house "VACANT - TEMPORARY".
EVANDER: I hate you so much.
XANTHE: I love you too, "HUSBAND - LOVING - GRUMPY".
EVANDER: STOP IT!
XANTHE: I'm going to go label the spices by alphabetical order of their Latin names.
EVANDER: Please just let me leave in peace.
XANTHE: Don't forget to close the door!
EVANDER: I WILL!
XANTHE: "DOOR - STATUS - CLOSED". Perfect.
EVANDER: *Slam*
XANTHE: He really needs a label for "Patience".
EVANDER: (From outside) I HEARD THAT!
XANTHE: "HUSBAND - HEARING - ACUTE". Noted.