Canine Cuisine

THERON: Behold, Mireya! The "Canine Degustation Menu".
MIREYA: Why is the dog sitting in a high chair?
THERON: Buster deserves a proper dining experience.
MIREYA: He's a dog, Theron. He eats out of a bowl on the floor.
THERON: That is so primitive! We are elevating his palate.
MIREYA: What is that smell?
THERON: It's a reduction of organic beef broth and liver pâté.
MIREYA: It smells like a wet shoe in a microwave.
THERON: Your lack of culinary appreciation is staggering.
MIREYA: I appreciate food that doesn't make me gag.
THERON: Look at the plating! The drizzle of salmon oil is exquisite.
MIREYA: You put a drizzle of oil on dog kibble?
THERON: It's not kibble; it's "artisanal protein clusters".
MIREYA: They look exactly like the bag from the store.
THERON: I hand-sorted them by size and shape!
MIREYA: Why would you do that?
THERON: To create a balanced textural journey for Buster.
MIREYA: A "textural journey" for a dog who eats grass?
THERON: He's evolving, Mireya! He can taste the nuance now.
MIREYA: The only nuance he tastes is "this is edible".
THERON: Now, we move to the second course.
MIREYA: Please tell me you didn't make a salad for the dog.
THERON: A micro-green medley with a hint of apple cider vinegar.
MIREYA: Dogs don't want a medley! They want a treat!
THERON: Treats are vulgar. This is gastronomy.
MIREYA: You are treating your dog like a food critic.
THERON: Because he is! Look at his face!
MIREYA: He looks confused. And slightly disgusted.
THERON: No, that's the look of deep contemplation.
MIREYA: He's wondering why he can't just lick the floor.
THERON: Shh! He's about to sample the pâté.
MIREYA: I can't believe you spent three hours on this.
THERON: Art takes time, Mireya.
MIREYA: It's not art; it's a waste of liver.
THERON: You're just jealous because you didn't think of it first.
MIREYA: I would rather think of literally anything else.
THERON: Now comes the palate cleanser.
MIREYA: A palate cleanser? For a dog?
THERON: A single, frozen cube of distilled coconut water.
MIREYA: You are insane. Truly, clinically insane.
THERON: I'm a pioneer of pet nutrition!
MIREYA: Buster just sneezed on the tablecloth.
THERON: He's reacting to the complexity of the flavors!
MIREYA: He's reacting to the dust in the room.
THERON: Now for the grand finale.
MIREYA: Oh god, what now?
THERON: A deconstructed marrow bone with a side of whipped cream.
MIREYA: Whipped cream? For a dog?
THERON: It's a celebratory dessert!
MIREYA: He's going to have an upset stomach.
THERON: The joy is worth the risk, Mireya.
MIREYA: I'm the one who has to clean up the "risk".
THERON: Think of it as part of the artistic process.
MIREYA: The artistic process of scrubbing the carpet?
THERON: Precisely!
MIREYA: Why is he ignoring the food?
THERON: He's just savoring the aroma first.
MIREYA: He's looking at the trash can.
THERON: He's probably thinking about a pairing.
MIREYA: He wants the scrap of old pizza in the bin!
THERON: Don't let him have it! It will ruin his palate!
MIREYA: His palate is "whatever I can find on the ground".
THERON: You are so cynical about Buster's growth.
MIREYA: Growth? He just tried to eat the tablecloth.
THERON: He's exploring the textiles of the dining area.
MIREYA: He's trying to swallow the linen!
THERON: Let him explore! It's a sensory experience.
MIREYA: This is not an experience; it's a disaster.
THERON: Look! He finally took a bite!
MIREYA: And?
THERON: He spat it out immediately.
MIREYA: There you go. Even the dog thinks this is pretentious.
THERON: Maybe the vinegar was too strong?
MIREYA: Or maybe he just wants his normal bowl.
THERON: I can't believe he rejected my masterpiece.
MIREYA: He's a dog, Theron. Not a judge on Top Chef.
THERON: I thought we had a connection through cuisine.
MIREYA: You have a connection through treats and belly rubs.
THERON: But the presentation was flawless!
MIREYA: Flawless doesn't equal tasty.
THERON: I'll just adjust the seasoning for next time.
MIREYA: There will be no "next time".
THERON: I was thinking of a seafood theme for Friday.
MIREYA: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
THERON: A little shrimp cocktail would be divine!
MIREYA: No shrimp! No cocktails! Just kibble!
THERON: You're stifling his creativity.
MIREYA: He doesn't have creativity! He has a tail!
THERON: The tail is how he expresses his culinary critique.
MIREYA: His tail is wagging because I just said "treat".
THERON: See? My menu has primed him for reward!
MIREYA: Just give the dog his food, Theron.
THERON: Fine. But we're keeping the high chair.
MIREYA: Why?
THERON: It makes him feel like a king.
MIREYA: He is a king of laziness.
THERON: A benevolent king!
MIREYA: A smelly king.
THERON: Every king has his flaws.
MIREYA: I'm going to bed before you try to make a souffle for the cat.
THERON: That's actually a great idea...
MIREYA: DON'T YOU DARE!
THERON: Just a small one!
MIREYA: NO!