The Bad Roommate's Technology

NILES: What is this thing on the coffee table, Mordecai?
MORDECAI: It is an AI-powered mood-sensing light, Niles.
NILES: It is just a lamp that changes color randomly.
MORDECAI: Randomness is the essence of organic mood, Niles.
NILES: My mood is currently "very annoyed", not random.
MORDECAI: The light knows that; it is blinking red now.
NILES: So it's just a red light when I am angry?
MORDECAI: Exactly! It creates a visual harmony with you.
NILES: I do not want harmony; I want a normal lamp!
MORDECAI: Normal lamps are just static sources of light, Niles.
NILES: Static is fine for reading a book, you idiot.
MORDECAI: Reading should be an immersive experience, truly.
NILES: I am immersed in your nonsense, and it's tiring.
MORDECAI: Look at this! It is a smart-spoon for soup.
NILES: A smart-spoon? What does a spoon need to do?
MORDECAI: It measures the temperature of every single drop.
NILES: If the soup is hot, I can feel it with tongue!
MORDECAI: Tongue sensing is imprecise and prone to error.
NILES: My tongue has worked for thirty years, Mordecai.
MORDECAI: Now you have digital precision in your broth, Niles.
NILES: I just want to eat my soup, not analyze it.
MORDECAI: Analysis is the first step toward a better meal.
NILES: The only thing this spoon does is slow me down.
MORDECAI: Slow eating is la way to mindfulness, Niles.
NILES: My mindfulness tells me this spoon is useless.
MORDECAI: Uselessness is just a different form of utility.
NILES: That is the most contradictory thing you've said.
MORDECAI: Contradiction is where the truth hides, my friend.
NILES: The truth is you spent too much money on gadgets.
MORDECAI: I did not spend money; I used galactic credits.
NILES: We are back to the space-money again, aren't we?
MORDECAI: Yes! It is a very stable currency in the void.
NILES: Our landlord does not accept voids as payment, Mordecai.
MORDECAI: He is just a prisoner of the fiat system, Niles.
NILES: I am also a prisoner if we don't pay rent, sir.
MORDECAI: Look at this! A robotic vacuum for your socks.
NILES: Why would a vacuum be specifically for socks?
MORDECAI: It tracks each sock and returns it to drawer.
NILES: My socks are not lost; they are in the basket.
MORDECAI: The basket is a chaotic graveyard for textiles, Niles.
NILES: At least my laundry does not need a firmware update.
MORDECAI: Updates are how we evolve as a household, truly.
NILES: We are evolving into a warehouse of junk, Mordecai.
MORDECAI: Junk is just art that hasn't found its place yet.
NILES: This "art" is blocking the path to the kitchen.
MORDECAI: It creates a challenging landscape for your walk.
NILES: I do not want a challenge; I want a sandwich!
MORDECAI: I have a smart-toaster that prints news on bread.
NILES: Printing news on toast? That sounds disgusting.
MORDECAI: It's ink made of squid and vitamins, Niles.
NILES: I am not eating squid-ink news for breakfast, sir.
MORDECAI: You are missing out on the morning headlines, Niles.
NILES: I can read the news on my phone like a normal person.
MORDECAI: Phones are just small windows into a fake world.
NILES: Your "smart" home is a fake version of a house.
MORDECAI: It is an augmented reality for our living space!
NILES: Augmented by what? Useless plastic and wires?
MORDECAI: Wires are the nervous system of the apartment, Niles.
NILES: Then our apartment has a very confused brain.
MORDECAI: Confusion is just the beginning of a discovery.
NILES: I discovered that you are a gadget-obsessed weirdo.
MORDECAI: Being a weirdo is the only way to stay relevant.
NILES: Relevant to whom? The robot-sock vacuum?
MORDECAI: The robots appreciate my vision and leadership, Niles.
NILES: I am sure they do; they have no choice, Mordecai.
MORDECAI: Look! This device can translate dog barks into English.
NILES: We do not even have a dog, you absolute moron.
MORDECAI: Exactly! Now we can listen to the neighborhood dogs.
NILES: I do not want to know what the neighbor's dog thinks.
MORDECAI: He thinks your haircut is a bit too traditional.
NILES: The device is just making things up, isn't it?
MORDECAI: It uses an algorithm based on canine psychology, Niles.
NILES: Canine psychology does not involve haircut critiques!
MORDECAI: Dogs are very observant of human fashion, truly.
NILES: I am going to unplug everything in this house.
MORDECAI: Unplugging is a violent act against the machine spirit.
NILES: The machine spirit needs a nap and some silence.
MORDECAI: Silence is just the absence of digital harmony.
NILES: Silence is what I need before I lose my mind.
MORDECAI: Your mind is just expanding into the cloud, Niles.
NILES: My mind is expanding in annoyance at you, Mordecai.
MORDECAI: Annoyance is a high-frequency energy state, Niles.
NILES: Then I am currently a very powerful battery, sir.
MORDECAI: We could use that to power the mood-light!
NILES: Get away from me with your wires and sensors!
MORDECAI: You are just resisting the future of living, Niles.
NILES: The future looks like a messy pile of plastic, Mordecai.
MORDECAI: A beautiful, glowing, blinking pile of progress!
NILES: Progress should involve a house I can actually use.
MORDECAI: Use is a boring concept; exploration is better.
NILES: I am exploring the exit door and leaving now.
MORDECAI: Wait! I have a smart-shoe that tracks your aura!
NILES: DO NOT PUT ANYTHING ON MY FEET, Mordecai!
MORDECAI: But your aura is currently a very dull grey, Niles.
NILES: My aura is grey because you live here, you idiot!
MORDECAI: I will find a gadget to fix that for you soon.
NILES: Please don't. Just please don't, Mordecai.