The Pet Store Panic

DAN: My cat is too lonely.
CLERK: Cats are usually solitary, sir.
DAN: Not my cat, he's social.
CLERK: Does he like other animals?
DAN: He likes to stare at them.
CLERK: That is not exactly liking.
DAN: It is a form of interest.
CLERK: What kind of pet fits?
DAN: Something slow and very quiet.
CLERK: A turtle might be good.
DAN: Turtles are too hidey, right?
CLERK: They enjoy their shells, sir.
DAN: My cat wants a friend.
CLERK: Maybe a small bird then?
DAN: No, the cat would eat it.
CLERK: That is usually what happens.
DAN: I want a safe friendship.
CLERK: How about a gold fish?
DAN: Fish live in water, Dan.
CLERK: You just said that, sir.
DAN: No, I was thinking aloud.
CLERK: Thinking aloud is very loud.
DAN: My cat is a critic.
CLERK: A critic of what exactly?
DAN: Of everything in this house.
CLERK: Maybe he needs another cat.
DAN: Two cats is too much hair.
CLERK: Hair is part of the deal.
DAN: I hate cleaning the couch.
CLERK: Then do not get a pet.
DAN: But the cat looks sad.
CLERK: Cats look sad by nature.
DAN: He sighs very loudly, man.
CLERK: That is just his personality.
DAN: What about a guinea pig?
CLERK: They are quite noisy, sir.
DAN: My cat hates loud noises.
CLERK: Then no guinea pigs here.
DAN: This is harder than expected.
CLERK: Pets are a big commitment.
DAN: I just want a companion.
CLERK: For you or for him?
DAN: For the cat, obviously now.
CLERK: Why do you care so much?
DAN: He judges my life choices.
CLERK: Cats are great at that.
DAN: He hates my new shoes.
CLERK: Shoes are not for cats.
DAN: He makes a face, though.
CLERK: Maybe get him a toy.
DAN: Toys do not talk back.
CLERK: That is the point, sir.
DAN: I want a real dialogue.
CLERK: Cats do not have dialogues.
DAN: Mine does, in his head.
CLERK: That sounds like a problem.
DAN: He thinks I am slow.
CLERK: He is probably right, sir.
DAN: Hey! I am very quick.
CLERK: You are still undecided here.
DAN: Let us try a hamster.
CLERK: They run in wheels all night.
DAN: My cat loves watching wheels.
CLERK: It is like TV for cats.
DAN: That sounds perfect, really perfect.
CLERK: Just keep them separated, sir.
DAN: I will use a glass wall.
CLERK: A glass wall is smart.
DAN: Now they can just stare.
CLERK: That is the peak friendship.
DAN: Exactly! Staring is the key.
CLERK: You are a strange owner.
DAN: We are both very weird.
CLERK: I can see that now.
DAN: How much for the hamster?
CLERK: Ten dollars and the cage.
DAN: That is a fair price.
CLERK: Do you need some food?
DAN: The cat eats fancy food.
CLERK: Hamsters do not eat fancy.
DAN: I will buy seeds then.
CLERK: Good choice for a rodent.
DAN: Is this one friendly, man?
CLERK: He is as friendly as any.
DAN: He looks like he hates me.
CLERK: He probably does, sir.
DAN: My cat will love him.
CLERK: I suspect the opposite, sir.
DAN: No, they will be pals.
CLERK: Good luck with that, Dan.
DAN: Thanks! We are off now.
CLERK: Please do not return tomorrow.
DAN: Why? Is the store closing?
CLERK: No, just my patience, sir.