The Bad Cooking Host

CHEF: Welcome to the art of the egg!
NILES: You just want to boil an egg?
CHEF: Boil? We do not simply boil here, Niles.
NILES: Then what are we doing with this?
CHEF: We are molecularly restructuring the albumen, Niles.
NILES: That is a very fancy word for cooking.
CHEF: Cooking is for peasants; this is science.
NILES: Why do I need a centrifuge for eggs?
CHEF: To separate the essence from the matter.
NILES: The essence of an egg is just yolk.
CHEF: Yolk is the soul, but essence is higher.
NILES: This is taking way too long, Chef.
CHEF: Greatness requires patience and a lot of gear.
NILES: I just want a quick breakfast, honestly.
CHEF: Quick is the enemy of culinary perfection, Niles.
NILES: Perfection should not take three hours.
CHEF: For one egg? Yes, it absolutely does.
NILES: Why are we using liquid nitrogen now?
CHEF: To flash-freeze the spirit of the white.
NILES: The white does not have a spirit, Chef.
CHEF: Everything has a spirit if you listen closely.
NILES: I only hear the sound of my hunger.
CHEF: Hunger is the best spice for the soul.
NILES: My soul wants a piece of toast, Chef.
CHEF: We will make a dehydrated sourdough crisp later.
NILES: Just give me the egg, please, now.
CHEF: First, we must infuse it with ozone.
NILES: Ozone? Is that even safe to eat, sir?
CHEF: It provides a metallic tang of future.
NILES: I do not want my breakfast from future.
CHEF: The future is where the flavor lives, Niles.
NILES: My taste buds live in the present, Chef.
CHEF: Your palate is far too primitive for this.
NILES: Primitive is better than confusing and slow.
CHEF: Now, we use the laser to carve patterns.
NILES: A laser? For a single boiled egg?
CHEF: Geometrical precision enhances the eating experience.
NILES: I just chew it; I do not study it.
CHEF: That is why you are a guest, Niles.
NILES: Being a guest is starting to feel like torture.
CHEF: Torture is just an intense form of passion.
NILES: My passion is currently for a sandwich.
CHEF: Sandwiches are the architecture of the lazy.
NILES: I love architecture that tastes like ham.
CHEF: We shall reconstruct the ham as a foam.
NILES: Please do not foam my meat, Chef.
CHEF: Foam allows the flavor to float on air.
NILES: I prefer my meat to stay on plate.
CHEF: Plates are outdated; we use glass spheres.
NILES: How do I even eat from a sphere?
CHEF: You sip the essence through a gold straw.
NILES: This is not eating, it is just sipping.
CHEF: Sipping is the most refined way to consume.
NILES: I want to bite something, for goodness sake!
CHEF: Biting is a primitive animal instinct, Niles.
CHEF: We are evolving beyond the need for teeth.
NILES: My teeth are working fine, thank you, Chef.
CHEF: Now, we add a single drop of essence.
NILES: Essence of what? Please tell me now.
CHEF: The essence of a morning dewdrop, Niles.
NILES: That is just water with some dust in it.
CHEF: It is the breath of the earth, my friend.
NILES: Earth's breath smells like wet dirt, Chef.
CHEF: Precisely! It brings the dish back to nature.
NILES: Nature is outside, not in this gold sphere.
CHEF: The sphere is a microcosm of the universe.
NILES: I think the universe is just too salty.
CHEF: Salt is the crystal of the cosmic sea.
NILES: My blood pressure does not like cosmic salt.
CHEF: Health is a secondary concern to beauty, Niles.
NILES: Beauty does not stop me from being hungry.
CHEF: Hunger is a beautiful state of longing, Niles.
NILES: I am longing for a burger and fries.
CHEF: We can make a deconstructed burger foam later.
NILES: Please just give me the egg now, Chef!
CHEF: It must rest for another twenty minutes, Niles.
NILES: Why? Is it taking a nap, Chef?
CHEF: The proteins need to meditate in silence.
NILES: Proteins do not meditate; they are molecules.
CHEF: Molecules have a rhythm if you dance with them.
NILES: I am not dancing with my breakfast, sir.
CHEF: That is why your life lacks flavor, Niles.
NILES: My life has plenty of flavor, thank you.
CHEF: Not the kind of flavor that wins awards.
NILES: I do not want an award for eating eggs.
CHEF: You want a transformation of the spirit, Niles!
NILES: I just want to stop feeling this dizzy.
CHEF: Dizziness is the first sign of culinary awakening.
NILES: Or it is just low blood sugar, Chef.
CHEF: Low sugar is a canvas for high art!
NILES: I am going to the diner across street.
CHEF: Betrayal! You are betraying the art of egg!
NILES: The diner has eggs that take five minutes.
CHEF: Five minutes? That is a culinary crime, Niles!
NILES: It is a delicious crime and I love it.
CHEF: Go then! Return to your primitive chewing!
NILES: I will! And I will enjoy every bite!
CHEF: Philistine! You are a philistine of the egg!
NILES: Whatever! Bye, Chef! Enjoy your sphere!
CHEF: The sphere is perfect! It is everything!
NILES: It is just an egg in a ball, man.