The Bad Roommate's Cleaning

RONAN: Why is the couch wrapped in plastic?
QUENTIN: To protect it from the air, Ronan.
RONAN: Air does not hurt the couch, you idiot.
QUENTIN: Dust is just tiny pieces of dead skin.
RONAN: Yes, and that is why we vacuum, Quentin.
QUENTIN: Vacuuming just moves the dust around, honestly.
RONAN: So you decided to mummify the furniture?
QUENTIN: It is a preservation technique from museums.
RONAN: We are not a museum; we are two guys.
QUENTIN: I want our home to be a timeless piece.
RONAN: Timeless means it doesn't change, not plastic.
QUENTIN: Plastic is the shield of the modern era.
RONAN: Why is the floor covered in soap suds?
QUENTIN: I wanted to create a bubble bath effect.
RONAN: For the floor? Who bathes on the floor?
QUENTIN: The tiles needed a deep, bubbly cleanse, Ronan.
RONAN: Now I am sliding every time I walk.
QUENTIN: It is like ice skating in the living room!
RONAN: Ice skating is for rinks, not for carpets.
QUENTIN: Carpets are just traps for hair and crumbs.
RONAN: That is why we have a rug cleaner, Quentin.
QUENTIN: I found a better way using white vinegar.
RONAN: The whole house smells like a giant salad.
QUENTIN: Vinegar is the ultimate weapon against grime.
RONAN: It is also a weapon against my nostrils.
QUENTIN: Your nostrils are just adjusting to purity, Ronan.
RONAN: Purity should not smell like an old pickle.
QUENTIN: Pickles are a fermented delight, my friend.
RONAN: My living room is not a fermented delight.
QUENTIN: I also cleaned the windows with lemon juice.
RONAN: Why use lemon when we have glass cleaner?
QUENTIN: Glass cleaner has too many scary chemicals.
RONAN: Lemon juice is also a chemical, you weirdo.
QUENTIN: Citric acid is a gift from nature, Ronan.
RONAN: Nature gave us window cleaner for a reason.
QUENTIN: The reason is to make us dependent on shops.
RONAN: I am dependent on windows that are clear!
QUENTIN: They are clear! I just used a sponge.
RONAN: There are streaks everywhere, look at this!
QUENTIN: Those are not streaks; they are art ripples.
RONAN: Ripples in glass? You are delusional, Quentin.
QUENTIN: Delusion is just seeing a different reality.
RONAN: My reality is that I cannot find my keys.
QUENTIN: I put them in a safe place for cleaning.
RONAN: Where is the safe place for keys, Quentin?
QUENTIN: In the freezer, to keep them crisp.
RONAN: Why would you put metal keys in freezer?
QUENTIN: Cold metal is more efficient for turning locks.
RONAN: That is not how physics works, you idiot.
QUENTIN: Physics is just a suggestion for the brave.
RONAN: I am not brave; I am just very annoyed.
QUENTIN: Annoyance is a sign of a cluttered mind.
RONAN: My mind is cluttered because of your cleaning!
QUENTIN: Then let me clean your mind with incense.
RONAN: No more smells! Please, no more incense.
QUENTIN: I have a scent called Forest Rain and Moss.
RONAN: It probably smells like a wet dog, Quentin.
QUENTIN: It is very earthy and grounding, Ronan.
RONAN: My ground is currently covered in soap suds.
QUENTIN: Exactly! You are grounded by the bubbles.
RONAN: I am sliding toward the wall right now.
QUENTIN: Just lean into the slide and enjoy it.
RONAN: I do not enjoy almost breaking my neck!
QUENTIN: A little danger makes the home feel alive.
RONAN: I prefer a home that is safe and dry.
QUENTIN: Dryness is for deserts and old crackers.
RONAN: I like crackers! They are not soapy, Quentin.
QUENTIN: I can make you some soapy crackers if want.
RONAN: DO NOT PUT SOAP IN THE FOOD, EVER!
QUENTIN: Why? It makes the bubbles look pretty.
RONAN: Eating bubbles is not a culinary goal, man.
QUENTIN: You have no sense of visual dining, Ronan.
RONAN: I prefer tasting my food over seeing it.
QUENTIN: Taste is just a chemical reaction in brain.
RONAN: A reaction that tells me soap is bad!
QUENTIN: Your brain is too traditional for my art.
RONAN: Cleaning the house is not an art form, Quentin.
QUENTIN: Everything is art if you believe it enough.
RONAN: Then this disaster is a masterpiece of failure.
QUENTIN: I accept that title with great pride, Ronan.
RONAN: Just take the plastic off the couch now.
QUENTIN: No! The air is too dusty today, Ronan.
RONAN: It is not dusty! You cleaned it for hours!
QUENTIN: That is why we must protect the surface.
RONAN: I am going to live in a hotel for week.
QUENTIN: A hotel? Those are just corporate boxes.
RONAN: Corporate boxes that do not smell like vinegar.
QUENTIN: I will clean your room while you are gone.
RONAN: DO NOT TOUCH MY ROOM! I AM WARNING YOU!
QUENTIN: I was thinking of using some baking soda.
RONAN: Get out of my sight before I scream, Quentin.
QUENTIN: Screaming is a great way to release toxins.
RONAN: My only toxin is having you as roommate.
QUENTIN: We are the perfect balance of chaos and order.
RONAN: You are the chaos; I am just the victim.
QUENTIN: Victims are just students of the unexpected!
RONAN: I am graduating from this school today, goodbye.