The Pet Debate

SERAPHINA: We are not getting a monkey.
JASPER: It's a pygmy marmoset!
SERAPHINA: Still a monkey, Jasper.
JASPER: They are tiny and cute.
SERAPHINA: They throw things, Jasper.
JASPER: Only if they're bored.
SERAPHINA: We are boring people.
JASPER: That's why we need a monkey.
SERAPHINA: I want a golden retriever.
JASPER: Dogs are too mainstream.
SERAPHINA: Mainstream is easy to train.
JASPER: Monkeys have personality.
SERAPHINA: Personality means chaos.
JASPER: Chaos is exciting!
SERAPHINA: I like my curtains intact.
JASPER: Curtains can be replaced.
SERAPHINA: My sanity cannot.
JASPER: You're overreacting already.
SERAPHINA: The monkey isn't even here!
JASPER: Imagine it wearing a hat.
SERAPHINA: A hat doesn't stop biting.
JASPER: He won't bite you.
SERAPHINA: Why not?
JASPER: Because he loves you.
SERAPHINA: He'll love me after one banana.
JASPER: Bananas are cheap.
SERAPHINA: The vet bills won't be.
JASPER: I'll save up my pennies.
SERAPHINA: You spent your pennies on sporks.
JASPER: Sporks are an investment.
SERAPHINA: In what? Utensil madness?
JASPER: It's a niche market.
SERAPHINA: Get a real hobby, Jasper.
JASPER: A monkey is a hobby.
SERAPHINA: A monkey is a life sentence.
JASPER: You're so negative.
SERAPHINA: I'm being realistic.
JASPER: Realism is boring.
SERAPHINA: Stability is not boring.
JASPER: Stable is for horses.
SERAPHINA: Exactly! Let's get a horse.
JASPER: In an apartment?
SERAPHINA: See? You get it.
JASPER: That was sarcasm, Seraphina.
SERAPHINA: I know. It worked.
JASPER: What about a lizard?
SERAPHINA: Lizards are cold.
JASPER: They have heat lamps!
SERAPHINA: More electricity bills.
JASPER: They don't throw things.
SERAPHINA: They just stare.
JASPER: Staring is peaceful.
SERAPHINA: It's creepy, Jasper.
JASPER: Creepy is the new cool.
SERAPHINA: I don't want a cool lizard.
JASPER: Fine, what about a fish?
SERAPHINA: Fish are boring.
JASPER: You just said mainstream is easy.
SERAPHINA: Fish aren't easy, they die.
JASPER: Our gold-fish lived for years.
SERAPHINA: Because it was plastic!
JASPER: I thought it was very still.
SERAPHINA: You are a disaster.
JASPER: A lovable disaster.
SERAPHINA: Just get me a cat.
JASPER: Cats are just small tigers.
SERAPHINA: Tigers are cool.
JASPER: Now you like cool things?
SERAPHINA: Only the ones that purr.
JASPER: Monkeys can make noises too.
SERAPHINA: Not purring, Jasper.
JASPER: They do a sort of chirp.
SERAPHINA: No monkeys in this house.
JASPER: What about a hamster?
SERAPHINA: Too loud at night.
JASPER: The wheel is soothing.
SERAPHINA: It sounds like a drill.
JASPER: A tiny, cute drill.
SERAPHINA: I'm done with this list.
JASPER: We haven't reached parrots!
SERAPHINA: Parrots repeat everything.
JASPER: Imagine him saying your name.
SERAPHINA: He'll say my secrets.
JASPER: You have secrets?
SERAPHINA: Like the fact that I hate sporks.
JASPER: I knew that!
SERAPHINA: See? A parrot would be lethal.
JASPER: You are a tough negotiator.
SERAPHINA: I am a survivor.
JASPER: Okay, a golden retriever then.
SERAPHINA: Really?
JASPER: Yes, if you buy the treats.
SERAPHINA: Deal!
JASPER: Can we get a small monkey too?
SERAPHINA: OUT!
JASPER: Just kidding!
SERAPHINA: I'm not laughing.
JASPER: Your eyes are twinkling.
SERAPHINA: That's just a reflex.
JASPER: You love my ideas.
SERAPHINA: Only the dog one.
JASPER: Close enough for me.
SERAPHINA: Now let's go to the shelter.
JASPER: Can I wear my monkey hat?
SERAPHINA: NO!
JASPER: Fine, no hat today.
SERAPHINA: Thank goodness.
JASPER: But tomorrow is hat day.
SERAPHINA: I'm moving out.
JASPER: You love me too much.
SERAPHINA: Unfortunately, you're right.