The Bad Roommate's Cooking

JASPER: What is that smell, Kaelen?
KAELEN: It is an exotic stew from Bali.
JASPER: It smells like old socks and vinegar.
KAELEN: That is the authentic fermented aroma, Jasper.
JASPER: Authentic aromas should not burn nostrils.
KAELEN: You just have a very sensitive nose.
JASPER: My nose is fine, your food is wrong.
KAELEN: I followed the recipe from internet.
JASPER: Which website? The one for pranks?
KAELEN: It was a very professional-looking blog.
JASPER: Why is the sauce bright purple, Kaelen?
KAELEN: I added some purple cabbage and dyes.
JASPER: Dyes are for clothes, not for stew!
KAELEN: The blogger said color enhances flavor.
JASPER: Color does not change how it tastes.
KAELEN: My tongue says it is very bold now.
JASPER: Bold can also mean tasting like soap.
KAELEN: It has a slight soapy aftertaste, yes.
JASPER: That is because you used dish soap!
KAELEN: I thought the bottle was coconut milk.
JASPER: They are not even the same color, man!
KAELEN: I was in a rush to start cooking.
JASPER: Now we have soap-stew in our pot.
KAELEN: We can just rinse it out quickly.
JASPER: The pot is stained purple, you idiot.
KAELEN: Purple is a royal color, Jasper.
JASPER: It is a royal disaster in my kitchen.
KAELEN: I will make something else for dinner.
JASPER: Please do not touch anything ever again.
KAELEN: I wanted to surprise you with food.
JASPER: The only surprise is that we live.
KAELEN: Do you want to try one spoonful?
JASPER: I would rather eat the kitchen sponge.
KAELEN: The sponge has less flavor than this.
JASPER: Why is there flour on the ceiling?
KAELEN: I tried to make a fluffy sauce.
JASPER: Flour does not fly unless it explodes.
KAELEN: The blender had a small disagreement, Jasper.
JASPER: A disagreement that coated the whole room!
KAELEN: It was a very passionate explosion, truly.
JASPER: Passionate messes are still just messes, Kaelen.
KAELEN: I can clean it up in five minutes.
JASPER: You have been cleaning for two hours.
KAELEN: I am being very thorough with corners.
JASPER: You are just moving the purple around.
KAELEN: It creates a nice marbled effect, right?
JASPER: Marbled floors are not made of sauce.
KAELEN: I will buy some pizza for us now.
JASPER: That is the first smart thing you said.
KAELEN: Pizza does not require any blended dyes.
JASPER: Thank goodness for that, my friend.
KAELEN: Should I order the pineapple one, Jasper?
JASPER: Please do not start another war here.
KAELEN: Pineapple on pizza is a culinary joy.
JASPER: It is a crime against Italian people.
KAELEN: They just have a narrow view of fruit.
JASPER: Fruit belongs in bowls, not on cheese.
KAELEN: You are so traditional about your food.
JASPER: I prefer food that does not explode.
KAELEN: The explosion was the best part, honestly.
JASPER: My sanity was the worst part, Kaelen.
KAELEN: Sanity is overrated in a shared flat.
JASPER: I think I need to find new roommates.
KAELEN: You would miss my exotic cooking, Jasper.
JASPER: I would miss my clean kitchen more.
KAELEN: Look! The purple sauce is bubbling now.
JASPER: Why is it still bubbling? Turn it off!
KAELEN: It is just breathing, like a living thing.
JASPER: Food should not breathe, that is terrifying!
KAELEN: Maybe we created a new life form here.
JASPER: I am calling the health department now.
KAELEN: They will love my purple stew, Jasper.
JASPER: They will condemn this entire building, Kaelen.
KAELEN: That would be a very exciting event.
JASPER: You find everything exciting, don't you?
KAELEN: Life is too short for boring dinners.
JASPER: My life is shorter because of your food.
KAELEN: Stop being so dramatic about one soup.
JASPER: It was not just soup, it was chemical.
KAELEN: Chemistry is the heart of all cooking.
JASPER: Not this kind of chemistry, you weirdo.
KAELEN: I will try a different recipe tomorrow.
JASPER: No! I am locking the kitchen door.
KAELEN: Where will I make my masterpieces then?
JASPER: In your room, far away from me.
KAELEN: My room has no stove, that is hard.
JASPER: Then just eat some raw carrots, Kaelen.
KAELEN: Carrots are boring and lack purple dyes.
JASPER: Exactly! That is the whole point, man.
KAELEN: You have no sense of adventure, Jasper.
JASPER: I have a sense of smell, and it hurts.
KAELEN: Let us just order the pizza now.
JASPER: Fine, but you are paying for everything.
KAELEN: Deal! I will use my leftover cabbage money.
JASPER: Just please don't put anything on it.
KAELEN: No promises, Jasper! Surprise is coming!
JASPER: I am moving out tomorrow morning, seriously.