The Bad Art Critic

CRITIC: The emptiness here is truly profound.
ARTIST: It is actually just a blank canvas.
CRITIC: Exactly! The void represents our inner silence.
ARTIST: I forgot to paint it this morning.
CRITIC: A bold choice! To leave it unpainted!
ARTIST: No, I really just forgot, sir.
CRITIC: Your humility is as impressive as art.
ARTIST: It is not humility, it is laziness.
CRITIC: Laziness as a statement on modern labor!
ARTIST: I was just sleeping until noon today.
CRITIC: The sleep of the artist is sacred.
ARTIST: I just like my pillow very much.
CRITIC: Note how the white evokes pure innocence.
ARTIST: It evokes a small amount of gesso.
CRITIC: Gesso! A primitive medium for high concepts.
ARTIST: It is just primer, you weird man.
CRITIC: You call it primer; I call it truth.
ARTIST: Truth is usually not this blank, sir.
CRITIC: The absence of color is a loud scream.
ARTIST: It is a very quiet canvas, actually.
CRITIC: Silence is the loudest sound in gallery.
ARTIST: You are talking a lot for silence.
CRITIC: I am articulating the silence for you.
ARTIST: Please stop articulating my mistake, sir.
CRITIC: Mistakes are the only honest parts of art.
ARTIST: Then my whole life is a masterpiece.
CRITIC: Truly! A symphony of errors and chaos!
ARTIST: I just wanted to paint some flowers.
CRITIC: Flowers are too cliché for this era.
ARTIST: I think people like looking at flowers.
CRITIC: People like what they are told to like.
ARTIST: That sounds like a very sad way to live.
CRITIC: It is the only way to be sophisticated.
ARTIST: Is sophistication just lying about things?
CRITIC: We call it interpretation, my dear boy.
ARTIST: I interpret this as you being crazy.
CRITIC: Madness is the companion of every genius.
ARTIST: Then I am a genius at forgetting things.
CRITIC: Look at the texture of the canvas!
ARTIST: It is just woven cotton, sir.
CRITIC: Woven like the tapestry of human fate!
ARTIST: Fate is not made of cheap cotton, probably.
CRITIC: Your cynicism is a layer of depth here.
ARTIST: I am not cynical, I am just tired.
CRITIC: Fatigue as a commentary on capitalism!
ARTIST: I just need a coffee and nap.
CRITIC: The desire for caffeine is a modern ache.
ARTIST: It is an ache in my actual head.
CRITIC: Headaches are the birth pains of ideas.
ARTIST: My idea is to get you to leave.
CRITIC: I cannot leave such a raw discovery!
ARTIST: There is nothing discovered here, sir.
CRITIC: The discovery is the nothingness itself, see?
ARTIST: I see a white square on a wall.
CRITIC: Precisely! A square representing the box.
ARTIST: What box? Which box are we in?
CRITIC: The box of societal expectations, obviously.
ARTIST: You are just making words sound fancy.
CRITIC: That is what I am paid for, boy.
ARTIST: Who pays you to talk about nothing?
CRITIC: The gallery owners and a few rich fools.
ARTIST: I am glad I am not one of them.
CRITIC: Your lack of ambition is almost poetic.
ARTIST: Poetry does not pay my rent, sir.
CRITIC: Neither does blank canvas, but we try.
ARTIST: Why do we try? This is just silly.
CRITIC: Silliness is the only armor against death.
ARTIST: That is a very dark thought for noon.
CRITIC: Darkness makes the white pop more, right?
ARTIST: I think I am going to paint now.
CRITIC: Stop! Do not ruin the purity of void!
ARTIST: I want to paint a giant red circle.
CRITIC: A circle? The symbol of infinity and loop!
ARTIST: I just like the color red, sir.
CRITIC: Red is the color of passion and blood.
ARTIST: It is also the color of my tomato sauce.
CRITIC: Culinary art is a subset of visual art.
ARTIST: My pasta is not for sale in gallery.
CRITIC: That would be a daring performance piece!
ARTIST: No one wants to see me eat pasta.
CRITIC: The world wants to see the raw human!
ARTIST: The raw human just wants to be alone.
CRITIC: Solitude is a theme I can work with.
ARTIST: Please go work with someone else, sir.
CRITIC: I shall write a glowing review of this!
ARTIST: A review of a blank piece of cloth?
CRITIC: The most honest review of the decade!
ARTIST: I am going to take a long nap now.
CRITIC: Sleep well, you unwitting master of void!
ARTIST: Just leave the gallery and go home.
CRITIC: I will return when the void speaks back.
ARTIST: It won't speak, it is just cotton, man.
CRITIC: That is exactly what a masterpiece says!
ARTIST: I am quitting art and becoming a plumber.
CRITIC: Plumbers are the sculptors of hidden pipes!
ARTIST: I give up on you, you strange man.
CRITIC: Farewell! Keep your emptiness beautiful, boy!
ARTIST: I am just going to buy some paint.