The Bad Handyman

ZEPHYR: Why is my sink taped, Gary?
GARY: Tape is the ultimate solution, Zephyr.
ZEPHYR: Tape does not stop water leaks.
GARY: This is waterproof industrial grade tape.
ZEPHYR: It is still leaking from bottom!
GARY: Then we just add more layers, Zephyr.
ZEPHYR: More layers will not fix pipe.
GARY: Everything can be fixed with silver.
ZEPHYR: Silver tape is not a magic wand.
GARY: In my hands, it certainly is, Zephyr.
ZEPHYR: My door does not close properly now.
GARY: I reinforced the hinge with tape.
ZEPHYR: Now it just sticks to frame!
GARY: That means it is very secure, Zephyr.
ZEPHYR: Secure against what? A breeze?
GARY: Against ghosts and invisible intruders, Zephyr.
ZEPHYR: We do not have ghosts in here.
GARY: Tape keeps them out just in case.
ZEPHYR: Why is the lamp on wall?
GARY: It was wobbling, so I taped it.
ZEPHYR: It is a floor lamp, Gary!
GARY: Now it is a wall sconce, Zephyr.
ZEPHYR: You changed the purpose of furniture!
GARY: I am an interior innovator, my friend.
ZEPHYR: Innovation usually involves actual tools.
GARY: Duct tape is the only tool needed.
ZEPHYR: What about hammers or screwdrivers?
GARY: Those are for people with doubt.
ZEPHYR: I have a lot of doubt right now.
GARY: Doubt is just lack of adhesive faith.
ZEPHYR: Faith does not fix a broken chair.
GARY: Look at that chair! It is solid.
ZEPHYR: It is silver and smells like glue.
GARY: That is the smell of stability, Zephyr.
ZEPHYR: I can see the wood through tape.
GARY: The wood is just for support, Zephyr.
ZEPHYR: The tape is supporting the support?
GARY: Exactly! It is a double-layer system.
ZEPHYR: This is the worst repair job ever.
GARY: You are just not seeing the vision.
ZEPHYR: My vision sees a house of tape.
GARY: A silver palace! Imagine the shine!
ZEPHYR: I do not want a shiny palace, Gary.
GARY: Everyone loves a bit of shimmer, Zephyr.
ZEPHYR: Not when it is on the ceiling.
GARY: Why is there tape on ceiling?
ZEPHYR: You put it there this morning!
GARY: Oh right, for the leak in roof.
ZEPHYR: Tape cannot stop a roof leak!
GARY: It slows it down significantly, Zephyr.
ZEPHYR: Now I have silver drips on floor.
GARY: Those are just decorative metallic drops.
ZEPHYR: You are insane, Gary, truly insane.
GARY: Insanity is just thinking outside box.
ZEPHYR: The box is also taped shut, right?
GARY: Yes, for maximum security and safety.
ZEPHYR: I want my money back now.
GARY: I spent it all on tape rolls.
ZEPHYR: You bought how much duct tape?
GARY: Fifty rolls of the premium stuff.
ZEPHYR: Where is the rest of it?
GARY: In the garage, taped to wall.
ZEPHYR: Why would you tape tape to wall?
GARY: For easy access during emergencies, Zephyr.
ZEPHYR: This whole house is an emergency!
GARY: Then we just need more tape, Zephyr.
ZEPHYR: I am calling a real professional.
GARY: A professional who uses boring screws?
ZEPHYR: Yes! Someone who knows how tools work.
GARY: Screws can strip and break, Zephyr.
ZEPHYR: Tape can peel and melt, Gary.
GARY: But tape is so much faster, Zephyr.
ZEPHYR: Fast is not the same as good.
GARY: Speed is a virtue in this industry.
ZEPHYR: The industry of making things worse?
GARY: I prefer the term creative destruction.
ZEPHYR: You destroyed my living room, Gary.
GARY: I just gave it a new identity.
ZEPHYR: Its new identity is a sticky mess.
GARY: Stickiness is a sign of strong bond.
ZEPHYR: The only bond here is my hatred.
GARY: Hatred can be taped over, Zephyr.
ZEPHYR: You cannot tape over human emotions!
GARY: I can try if you stand still.
ZEPHYR: Get out of my house right now!
GARY: Do I need to tape the door?
ZEPHYR: NO! Just walk out the door, Gary!
GARY: Fine, but your sink will leak again.
ZEPHYR: I know! I would rather have leaks.
GARY: You are a very stubborn man, Zephyr.
ZEPHYR: And you are a tape-obsessed weirdo.
GARY: Weirdos have the best adhesive, Zephyr.
ZEPHYR: Just go away before I scream.
GARY: Screaming can be muffled with tape.
ZEPHYR: GET OUT! NOW! GET OUT!
GARY: Fine, but I am taking my tape.
ZEPHYR: Please take every single roll with you!
GARY: I will leave one for emergencies.
ZEPHYR: I AM THE EMERGENCY, GARY!