The IKEA Incident

MIREYA: Where is screw B?
MORDECAI: I think it's under the rug.
MIREYA: Why would it be under the rug?
MORDECAI: I might have kicked it.
MIREYA: You kicked the hardware, Mordecai?
MORDECAI: It was a reflex!
MIREYA: This bookshelf is leaning.
MORDECAI: It's not leaning, it's artistic.
MIREYA: Artistic bookshelves don't tilt 20 degrees.
MORDECAI: It gives it character.
MIREYA: Character doesn't hold books.
MORDECAI: We can lean the books too.
MIREYA: That is a terrible idea.
MORDECAI: Everything is a terrible idea to you.
MIREYA: Because you are the one doing it!
MORDECAI: I am following the manual.
MIREYA: The manual has no words, only drawings.
MORDECAI: Drawings are universal, Mireya.
MIREYA: These drawings look like aliens.
MORDECAI: Aliens who know how to build shelves.
MIREYA: Look at this piece.
MORDECAI: Which one?
MIREYA: This long flat thing.
MORDECAI: That's the back panel.
MIREYA: Why is it on the front?
MORDECAI: It provides a modern look.
MIREYA: It blocks the books!
MORDECAI: Who needs books when you have style?
MIREYA: I need my cookbooks, Mordecai.
MORDECAI: We can use an app.
MIREYA: I like the feel of paper.
MORDECAI: Paper is so twentieth century.
MIREYA: This shelf is twentieth century failure.
MORDECAI: Just give me the wrench.
MIREYA: Which one? The small or medium?
MORDECAI: The one that actually fits.
MIREYA: None of them fit this screw!
MORDECAI: Maybe it's a special screw.
MIREYA: It's a standard IKEA screw.
MORDECAI: Then we are using the wrong hole.
MIREYA: There are no holes here.
MORDECAI: We have to drill our own.
MIREYA: I am not drilling into this.
MORDECAI: Be brave, Mireya!
MIREYA: Bravery is for firefighters.
MORDECAI: I am a firefighter of furniture.
MIREYA: You're just making it worse.
MORDECAI: I'm improving the design.
MIREYA: By adding holes?
MORDECAI: Ventilation for the books.
MIREYA: Books don't need to breathe!
MORDECAI: Maybe these ones do.
MIREYA: They are textbooks, Mordecai.
MORDECAI: Even textbooks need air.
MIREYA: Look, it's wobbling.
MORDECAI: Don't touch it!
MIREYA: I barely breathed on it.
MORDECAI: It's a delicate ecosystem.
MIREYA: It's a pile of particle board.
MORDECAI: Particle board is the future.
MIREYA: The future looks very unstable.
MORDECAI: We just need one more screw.
MIREYA: We are out of screws.
MORDECAI: What? Where did they go?
MIREYA: You probably kicked them.
MORDECAI: I only kicked one!
MIREYA: There were twenty missing, Mordecai.
MORDECAI: Maybe the box was empty.
MIREYA: The box wasn't empty.
MORDECAI: Then the store cheated us.
MIREYA: They didn't cheat us, you lost them.
MORDECAI: I have a system for hardware.
MIREYA: Your system is called chaos.
MORDECAI: Chaos is where creativity lives.
MIREYA: Creativity doesn't hold novels.
MORDECAI: We can stack the books on the floor.
MIREYA: That is not a bookshelf.
MORDECAI: It's a floor-shelf.
MIREYA: I hate you so much right now.
MORDECAI: You love my creativity.
MIREYA: I love a straight line.
MORDECAI: Lines are boring.
MIREYA: Straight lines are functional.
MORDECAI: Function is for calculators.
MIREYA: This is a piece of furniture!
MORDECAI: It's a statement piece.
MIREYA: The statement is you can't build things.
MORDECAI: I built a birdhouse once.
MIREYA: The birds refused to live in it.
MORDECAI: They were just picky.
MIREYA: It had no roof, Mordecai.
MORDECAI: It was an open-concept home.
MIREYA: Give me the manual.
MORDECAI: No, I've got this.
MIREYA: You do not have this!
MORDECAI: Just one more turn...
MIREYA: Don't do it...
MORDECAI: There!
MIREYA: It just collapsed.
MORDECAI: Now it's a coffee table.
MIREYA: I am calling a professional.
MORDECAI: That's cheating.
MIREYA: No, that's sanity.
MORDECAI: Fine, but I'm keeping the wrench.
MIREYA: Why?
MORDECAI: It's my trophy of war.
MIREYA: You lost the war, Mordecai.
MORDECAI: I survived it.
MIREYA: Barely.