Fame in Fifteen Seconds

MANAGER: Thalassa, you're a star! A global phenomenon!
THALASSA: What are you talking about?
MANAGER: Look at this video! It has fifty million views!
THALASSA: Why am I falling over a cat in slow motion?
MANAGER: Because it's the most relatable thing on the internet!
THALASSA: I was just trying to save the vase!
MANAGER: Nobody cares about the vase, Thalassa. They care about the fall.
THALASSA: I look like a confused penguin!
MANAGER: Exactly! The world loves "The Confused Penguin"!
THALASSA: That's my new name? A penguin?
MANAGER: It's your brand! Your identity! Your ticket to wealth!
THALASSA: I don't want to be a brand; I just want my vase back.
MANAGER: Forget the vase! We have offers for sponsorships.
THALASSA: Sponsorships for what? Falling?
MANAGER: For insurance companies! "Don't be like the Penguin".
THALASSA: That is incredibly insulting.
MANAGER: Insulting is profitable, Thalassa.
THALASSA: I can't believe my most embarrassing moment is a hit.
MANAGER: Embarrassment is the currency of the digital age.
THALASSA: Why are people commenting that I look "majestic"?
MANAGER: Sarcasm, dear. It's the primary language of the web.
THALASSA: I don't like it. Take it down.
MANAGER: Take it down? Are you crazy?
THALASSA: Yes! I'm a professional! I have a reputation!
MANAGER: Your reputation is now "the woman who fought a cat and lost".
THALASSA: The cat didn't even fight me! It just sat there!
MANAGER: That's what makes it funny! The cat's indifference is gold!
THALASSA: I feel like my dignity has been liquidated.
MANAGER: Dignity doesn't pay the bills; memes do.
THALASSA: What does that even mean? How do I make money from a fall?
MANAGER: Merchandising! "Confused Penguin" t-shirts!
THALASSA: I am not wearing a shirt with my own failure on it.
MANAGER: You'll wear it if the check is big enough.
THALASSA: How big is the check?
MANAGER: Big enough to buy ten vases.
THALASSA: ...What color are the shirts?
MANAGER: Neon yellow. To match the "energy" of the fall.
THALASSA: I hate neon yellow.
MANAGER: The fans love it! They're calling it "Penguin Glow".
THALASSA: This is a nightmare.
MANAGER: It's a dream! You're a trendsetter!
THALASSA: I didn't set a trend; I tripped over Fluffy!
MANAGER: Exactly! The "Accidental Grace" movement.
THALASSA: There is no such thing as accidental grace when you land on your face.
MANAGER: That's the beauty of it! It's raw! It's honest!
THALASSA: It's a bruise on my elbow!
MANAGER: A bruise for the people!
THALASSA: Why are there fan clubs already?
MANAGER: The "Penguin Pals" are very dedicated.
THALASSA: This is getting out of control.
MANAGER: Control is for people who aren't viral.
THALASSA: I just want to go back to being invisible.
MANAGER: Invisible people don't get invited to podcasts.
THALASSA: Why would anyone want me on a podcast?
MANAGER: To talk about the "Physics of the Trip".
THALASSA: There is no physics, I was just clumsy!
MANAGER: "I was just clumsy" - that's your new catchphrase!
THALASSA: Stop turning my life into a marketing plan!
MANAGER: I'm not turning it into a plan; I'm amplifying the chaos.
THALASSA: The chaos is making me anxious.
MANAGER: Anxiety is great for engagement!
THALASSA: How does anxiety help engagement?
MANAGER: People love watching someone spiral in real-time.
THALASSA: I am not spiraling!
MANAGER: See! That's the perfect clip for a TikTok!
THALASSA: Stop filming me!
MANAGER: "The Penguin Rebels!" This is gold!
THALASSA: Give me that phone!
MANAGER: Not until we sign the contract!
THALASSA: What contract?
MANAGER: The one where I take forty percent of your penguin money.
THALASSA: Forty percent? You're just a guy with a phone!
MANAGER: I'm a "Digital Strategist", Thalassa.
THALASSA: You're a leech in a blazer.
MANAGER: A leech who knows how to use hashtags.
THALASSA: I can use hashtags! #IhateMyLife.
MANAGER: Perfect! #IhateMyLife is trending right now!
THALASSA: Stop using my misery for clicks!
MANAGER: Misery is the most clickable emotion.
THALASSA: I'm deleting my account.
MANAGER: You can't delete a meme, Thalassa. It's in the cloud.
THALASSA: What does that even mean?
MANAGER: It means you are immortal now. In a very embarrassing way.
THALASSA: I want to go back to the moment before the cat.
MANAGER: Too late. The internet never forgets.
THALASSA: Why is there a petition to make me mayor?
MANAGER: People love an underdog. Or an under-penguin.
THALASSA: I'm not running for mayor!
MANAGER: You don't have to run; the people are pulling you.
THALASSA: This is a Kafkaesque nightmare.
MANAGER: "Kafkaesque Penguin" - that's a great niche!
THALASSA: Please just leave me alone.
MANAGER: I can't! We have a photoshoot at four!
THALASSA: A photoshoot? For what?
MANAGER: For the cover of "Clumsy Monthly".
THALASSA: Is that a real magazine?
MANAGER: It is now! Because of you!
THALASSA: I hate the internet.
MANAGER: The internet loves you, Thalassa!
THALASSA: That's exactly why I hate it.
MANAGER: Now, smile! Or rather, look confused!
THALASSA: I am confused. Genuinely confused.
MANAGER: PERFECT! Hold that expression!
THALASSA: I'm going to kill you with a vase.
MANAGER: "The Vase Revenge" - a sequel video!
THALASSA: I GIVE UP!
MANAGER: That's the spirit! Now, let's get those shirts printed.
THALASSA: Neon yellow... I can't believe it.
MANAGER: Trust me, you'll look majestic.
THALASSA: Shut up and take my money.
MANAGER: Spoken like a true star!