The Tech Support Nightmare

OSCAR: My internet is not working.
AGENT: Have you tried restarting it?
OSCAR: Yes, five times already, sir.
AGENT: Please try it one more.
OSCAR: Why would that help now?
AGENT: It clears the magic pipes.
OSCAR: What are magic pipes, please?
AGENT: The data flows through them.
OSCAR: Data does not use pipes.
AGENT: In our company, they do.
OSCAR: That is not how physics works.
AGENT: Physics is for scientists, Oscar.
OSCAR: I just want my wifi.
AGENT: Is the light blinking green?
OSCAR: It is blinking red, actually.
AGENT: Red means it is thinking.
OSCAR: Thinking about what, exactly?
AGENT: About where the internet goes.
OSCAR: It should go to router!
AGENT: Maybe it is taking detour.
OSCAR: Internet does not take detours.
AGENT: Sometimes it likes a walk.
OSCAR: You are making no sense.
AGENT: I am following the script.
OSCAR: Change the script right now!
AGENT: I cannot change the laws.
OSCAR: What laws are you talking about?
AGENT: The Laws of Digital Flow.
OSCAR: Those are not real laws.
AGENT: My boss says they are.
OSCAR: Your boss is a lunatic.
AGENT: He is a very nice man.
OSCAR: Just fix my connection, please.
AGENT: Please unplug the blue cable.
OSCAR: I have no blue cable.
AGENT: Look closer at the back.
OSCAR: It is all black here.
AGENT: Maybe it turned black, Oscar.
OSCAR: Cables do not change color!
AGENT: Some do, if they overheat.
OSCAR: My router is freezing cold.
AGENT: Then it is just sleeping.
OSCAR: Wake it up then, agent!
AGENT: Say something loud to it.
OSCAR: I am not shouting at plastic.
AGENT: It responds to vocal energy.
OSCAR: This is the worst support.
AGENT: We are rated four stars.
OSCAR: Who gave you those stars?
AGENT: Mostly our employees do that.
OSCAR: That is totally cheating, man.
AGENT: Efficiency is the key here.
OSCAR: My internet is still dead.
AGENT: Try plugging it into toaster.
OSCAR: What? Why a toaster, sir?
AGENT: Toasters have great grounding, Oscar.
OSCAR: I am not risking my toast.
AGENT: Toast is secondary to wifi.
OSCAR: Both are important for morning.
AGENT: Just try the toaster once.
OSCAR: No! Give me a technician.
AGENT: They are all on vacation.
OSCAR: In the middle of August?
AGENT: It is Hawaii month, Oscar.
OSCAR: That is not a real month.
AGENT: For us, it certainly is.
OSCAR: I am hanging up now.
AGENT: Wait! Try flipping the switch.
OSCAR: Which switch? The power one?
AGENT: No, the secret small one.
OSCAR: There is no secret switch.
AGENT: Look under the sticker, Oscar.
OSCAR: I found a tiny button.
AGENT: Press it with a needle.
OSCAR: Why a needle, for heaven's: sake?
AGENT: Precision is very important here.
OSCAR: I do not have needles.
AGENT: Use a paperclip then, Oscar.
OSCAR: Okay, I am pressing it now.
AGENT: Did the light change color?
OSCAR: It is now blinking purple.
AGENT: Purple means it is dancing.
OSCAR: Dancing is not internet access!
AGENT: It is just warming up.
OSCAR: How long does it warm?
AGENT: About three to five days.
OSCAR: I cannot wait that long!
AGENT: Patience is a digital virtue.
OSCAR: I am cancelling my plan.
AGENT: Cancellation requires a blood oath.
OSCAR: What kind of company is this?
AGENT: We are a boutique provider.
OSCAR: Boutique means expensive and broken.
AGENT: It means we are unique, Oscar.
OSCAR: Unique at being terrible, yes.
AGENT: I will transfer you now.
OSCAR: To who? Another lunatic?
AGENT: To our department of apologies.
OSCAR: Just give me a refund.
AGENT: Refunds are processed in stone.
OSCAR: This is an absolute nightmare.
AGENT: Thank you for choosing us!
OSCAR: I am throwing this router!
AGENT: Please do not break hardware.
OSCAR: Watch me break it, agent!