The Bad Barber Shop

THERON: Just a trim on the sides, please.
BARBER: A trim? That is so boring, Theron.
THERON: I like boring. Boring is safe.
BARBER: Safe is for people without vision.
THERON: I just want to look professional.
BARBER: Professionalism is a cage for soul.
THERON: My soul does not need a haircut.
BARBER: But your hair does, my friend.
THERON: Just keep the top long, okay?
BARBER: The top needs a structural change.
THERON: What does that even mean, please?
BARBER: I see a pyramid in your head.
THERON: Please do not put pyramids on me.
BARBER: Pyramids are timeless and very bold.
THERON: I am an accountant, not a pharaoh.
BARBER: Even accountants can be bold, Theron.
THERON: I prefer to be invisible at work.
BARBER: Invisibility is the death of style.
THERON: My style is just existing, honestly.
BARBER: Let me add some artistic flair here.
THERON: Wait! What are those scissors doing?
BARBER: I am sculpting your essence, Theron.
THERON: My essence should not be shaved!
BARBER: This gap creates a beautiful void.
THERON: A void? There is a hole in my hair!
BARBER: It is a window to your thoughts.
THERON: My thoughts are that you are crazy!
BARBER: Madness is the root of all art.
THERON: I do not want art on head!
BARBER: Trust the process, my dear Theron.
THERON: I trusted you with my sideburns.
BARBER: Sideburns are remnants of old eras.
THERON: I like my old era sideburns, thanks.
BARBER: Now we move to the back part.
THERON: Please do not do anything weird there.
BARBER: I am thinking of a zig-zag pattern.
THERON: No zig-zags! Just make it straight.
BARBER: Straight lines are for rulers, Theron.
THERON: I use rulers at work, they're great.
BARBER: That is why you need this change.
THERON: I just want to look like myself.
BARBER: You are a version of yourself now.
THERON: A version that looks like a lawn?
BARBER: A modern, avant-garde lawn, Theron.
THERON: I cannot go to office like this!
BARBER: They will admire your courage, surely.
THERON: Courage is not the word for this.
BARBER: Perhaps embarrassment is just hidden fame.
THERON: I am not famous, I am bald!
BARBER: You are not bald, you are spaced.
THERON: Spaced? What does that even mean?
BARBER: There is space between the hair clumps.
THERON: Those are not spaces, those are bald spots!
BARBER: I call them ventilation ports, Theron.
THERON: My head does not need ventilation!
BARBER: It keeps your brain cool and fresh.
THERON: My brain is overheating from stress!
BARBER: See? The vents are working already.
THERON: You are a monster with scissors, man.
BARBER: I am a visionary of the follicle.
THERON: Your vision is blurry, I can tell.
BARBER: Art is meant to be slightly blurry.
THERON: My haircut is very sharp and wrong.
BARBER: Sharpness is a key element of style.
THERON: I look like a glitch in matrix.
BARBER: Glitches are the new trend, Theron.
THERON: Who is trending this? Where?
BARBER: In the underground salons of Paris.
THERON: I live in a suburb in Ohio!
BARBER: Ohio needs more Parisian flair, Theron.
THERON: My boss will fire me for this.
BARBER: He will hire you as an artist.
THERON: I cannot do math and art together.
BARBER: Why not? Pythagoras loved the shapes.
THERON: Pythagoras did not have holes in hair.
BARBER: Maybe he just hid them better, Theron.
THERON: Just fix it! Put some hair back!
BARBER: Hair does not work like Lego bricks.
THERON: Then use some glue or something!
BARBER: Glue is a crime against nature, Theron.
THERON: This haircut is a crime against humanity!
BARBER: Humanity needs a shock to the system.
THERON: I am shocked that you charge money.
BARBER: Quality art always has a high price.
THERON: I am not paying for this disaster.
BARBER: Your experience was priceless, my friend.
THERON: My experience was traumatic and bad.
BARBER: Trauma is just another form of growth.
THERON: I do not want to grow this way.
BARBER: Now, let us try some neon dye.
THERON: Get away from me with that paint!
BARBER: A little green would pop nicely.
THERON: I am leaving right now, please.
BARBER: Wait! I have not finished the fringe!
THERON: Keep the fringe! I am going home!
BARBER: You are escaping the beauty, Theron!
THERON: I am escaping the madness, you lunatic!
BARBER: See you in two weeks for trim!
THERON: I am burning this house down first!
BARBER: Passion! That is the spirit, Theron!