Save More, Suffer More

MANAGER: Ms. Ione, please put the mustard back.
IONE: I can't! It's a steal!
MANAGER: You have fifty-two cases of honey mustard.
IONE: And they were practically free!
MANAGER: "Practically free" is not a reason to buy a warehouse.
IONE: Look at this coupon, Gerald.
MANAGER: I don't want to look at the coupon.
IONE: Buy one, get ten free! It's a mathematical miracle.
MANAGER: You are blocking the entire condiment aisle.
IONE: I'm not blocking it, I'm optimizing it.
MANAGER: Other customers can't even reach the mayo.
IONE: They don't need mayo when there's honey mustard.
MANAGER: Not everyone shares your vision for dinner.
IONE: Their loss is my savings!
MANAGER: You can't take fifty cases in one transaction.
IONE: The fine print says "limit per customer".
MANAGER: Yes, and the limit is four!
IONE: I am not one customer; I am a shopping entity.
MANAGER: That makes no sense.
IONE: My coupons are legal tender in this store.
MANAGER: Coupons are discounts, not currency.
IONE: In my heart, they are the same thing.
MANAGER: Please, just take ten cases and go.
IONE: Ten? That's a compromise I can't make.
MANAGER: Why do you even need this much mustard?
IONE: I don't know yet! I just have the coupons.
MANAGER: You're buying things you don't need because they're cheap.
IONE: That is the very definition of saving money.
MANAGER: No, that's the definition of hoarding.
IONE: Hoarding is for old newspapers. This is strategic procurement.
MANAGER: Strategic procurement of condiment sauce?
IONE: Exactly! I'm hedging against a mustard shortage.
MANAGER: There will never be a mustard shortage.
IONE: That's what they want you to think, Gerald.
MANAGER: Who is "they"? The Mustard Board?
IONE: The global elite of the vinegar industry.
MANAGER: You have lost your mind.
IONE: I've found my savings!
MANAGER: Look at this one. "Free toaster with ten boxes of soap".
IONE: I already have six toasters, but seven is better.
MANAGER: Why do you need seven toasters?
IONE: One for every room in the house.
MANAGER: You don't want a toaster in your bathroom!
IONE: Warm towels are great, Gerald.
MANAGER: That's not how to warm towels!
IONE: It's an innovative approach to laundry.
MANAGER: I am calling security.
IONE: Security can't stop a valid coupon!
MANAGER: They can stop you from blocking the aisle.
IONE: I'll just move my mustard to the pasta section.
MANAGER: You are not moving your mustard anywhere.
IONE: This is an infringement on my consumer rights.
MANAGER: Your right to buy fifty cases of mustard ended ten minutes ago.
IONE: Check this one! "Buy a fish, get a free blender".
MANAGER: We don't even sell live fish here.
IONE: Then why is this coupon in the system?
MANAGER: It's for the supermarket across the street!
IONE: A coupon is a coupon, regardless of geography.
MANAGER: That is not how business works!
IONE: Business is about the thrill of the hunt.
MANAGER: The "hunt" for discounted fish-blenders?
IONE: Exactly! It's an adrenaline rush.
MANAGER: I am exhausted just looking at you.
IONE: That's because you don't have the spirit of a saver.
MANAGER: My spirit is craving a vacation.
IONE: I have a coupon for a cruise!
MANAGER: I don't care about your cruise coupon.
IONE: It's fifty percent off if you bring your own towels.
MANAGER: Get out of my store, Ione.
IONE: Not until I find the rebate for these napkins.
MANAGER: We don't have rebates on napkins.
IONE: The website said there were!
MANAGER: Which website?
IONE: "Coupons4AllTheThings.net".
MANAGER: That sounds like a phishing site.
IONE: It gave me a free digital picture of a cat!
MANAGER: You are being scammed by the internet.
IONE: I am being rewarded for my diligence!
MANAGER: Please, just leave with your mustard.
IONE: Can I use this "Buy One Get One" on the bags?
MANAGER: The bags are free!
IONE: Then I'm getting two!
MANAGER: Just go!
IONE: Wait, is that a sale on canned peas?
MANAGER: No.
IONE: Are you sure?
MANAGER: Yes!
IONE: My coupon says they should be half price.
MANAGER: Those coupons expired in 1994.
IONE: Vintage savings are still savings!
MANAGER: Get out! Now!
IONE: Fine, but I'm keeping the mustard.
MANAGER: Take it all! Just take it all and leave!
IONE: Victory is mine!
MANAGER: I need a new job.
IONE: I have a coupon for a career coach!
MANAGER: GET OUT!
IONE: He's so grumpy today.
MANAGER: I hate my life.
IONE: Does he want some mustard?
MANAGER: NO!
IONE: More for me.
MANAGER: Please... just stop talking.
IONE: I can't, I'm on a roll!
MANAGER: A roll of what?
IONE: A roll of savings!
MANAGER: Security!
IONE: I'm going! But I'm coming back for the peas!
MANAGER: Don't you dare.
IONE: See you tomorrow, Gerald!
MANAGER: Help me.