Bending Over Backwards

INSTRUCTOR ZEN: Now, let us enter the "Pretzel of Eternal Peace".
SERAPHINA: I think my leg is behind my ear.
INSTRUCTOR ZEN: That is where the energy begins to flow, Seraphina.
SERAPHINA: My energy feels like it's screaming for help.
INSTRUCTOR ZEN: Silence the mind; let the body be a river.
SERAPHINA: My river is currently dammed by my own elbow.
INSTRUCTOR ZEN: Just breathe into the tension.
SERAPHINA: I can't breathe! My chest is compressed!
INSTRUCTOR ZEN: That is just your ego resisting the stretch.
SERAPHINA: My ego is fine; it's my ribs that are concerned.
INSTRUCTOR ZEN: Now, gently rotate your pelvis clockwise.
SERAPHINA: I can't move my pelvis! I'm stuck!
INSTRUCTOR ZEN: "Stuck" is a mental construct.
SERAPHINA: No, "stuck" is a physical reality involving gravity and friction!
INSTRUCTOR ZEN: Let go of the concept of reality.
SERAPHINA: I'd rather let go of this position before I snap!
INSTRUCTOR ZEN: A snap is just the body releasing old trauma.
SERAPHINA: I don't want to release trauma; I want to stand up!
INSTRUCTOR ZEN: Standing is a very linear way of existing.
SERAPHINA: Linear is how humans are built, Zen!
INSTRUCTOR ZEN: We are all circles in the grand design.
SERAPHINA: Well, I'm currently a very painful circle.
INSTRUCTOR ZEN: Now, transition into the "Sleeping Lotus".
SERAPHINA: How do I move from here? I'm basically a knot.
INSTRUCTOR ZEN: Simply glide like a swan on a still lake.
SERAPHINA: Swans don't have their ankles crossed behind their necks!
INSTRUCTOR ZEN: Your resistance is creating a blockage in your third eye.
SERAPHINA: My third eye is seeing stars because I'm lightheaded.
INSTRUCTOR ZEN: That is the spirit world calling to you.
SERAPHINA: It's not the spirit world; it's low blood pressure!
INSTRUCTOR ZEN: Embrace the dizziness; it is the dance of the soul.
SERAPHINA: My soul wants a cheeseburger and a chair.
INSTRUCTOR ZEN: Such attachment to the physical realm.
SERAPHINA: I am very attached to not having a slipped disc!
INSTRUCTOR ZEN: Now, balance on one finger while humming "Om".
SERAPHINA: You have got to be kidding me.
INSTRUCTOR ZEN: The finger is the antenna of the universe.
SERAPHINA: My antenna just collapsed.
INSTRUCTOR ZEN: A beautiful surrender.
SERAPHINA: I didn't surrender; I fell over!
INSTRUCTOR ZEN: Falling is just an unplanned transition.
SERAPHINA: It was a very planned trip to the floor.
INSTRUCTOR ZEN: Now, let us try the "Inverted Waterfall".
SERAPHINA: Please tell me that doesn't involve being upside down.
INSTRUCTOR ZEN: Of course it does. The world is better seen inverted.
SERAPHINA: I can see my blood rushing to my head!
INSTRUCTOR ZEN: That is just a rush of cosmic awareness.
SERAPHINA: Cosmic awareness tastes like copper and regret.
INSTRUCTOR ZEN: Now, hold this pose for ten minutes.
SERAPHINA: Ten minutes? I can't even hold my breath for ten seconds!
INSTRUCTOR ZEN: Time is an illusion, Seraphina.
SERAPHINA: This pain is not an illusion!
INSTRUCTOR ZEN: Pain is just information the body provides.
SERAPHINA: The information is "STOP IMMEDIATELY"!
INSTRUCTOR ZEN: Listen to the information, but do not let it control you.
SERAPHINA: I'm letting it control me! I'm quitting!
INSTRUCTOR ZEN: Quitting is a form of spiritual leakage.
SERAPHINA: Then I'm leaking all over this yoga mat.
INSTRUCTOR ZEN: Now, gently twist your spine into a spiral.
SERAPHINA: I am not a piece of fusilli pasta!
INSTRUCTOR ZEN: We are all pasta in the great kitchen of life.
SERAPHINA: That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
INSTRUCTOR ZEN: Ridiculousness is the gateway to enlightenment.
SERAPHINA: Then I must be the most enlightened person here.
INSTRUCTOR ZEN: Your sarcasm is a shield against your own growth.
SERAPHINA: My sarcasm is the only thing keeping me conscious.
INSTRUCTOR ZEN: Now, enter the "Void of Absolute Stillness".
SERAPHINA: Does that mean I can just lie flat on my back?
INSTRUCTOR ZEN: Yes, but with an expression of total bliss.
SERAPHINA: My expression is currently "extreme irritation".
INSTRUCTOR ZEN: Close your eyes and imagine a golden light.
SERAPHINA: I'm imagining a world where this class doesn't exist.
INSTRUCTOR ZEN: Such a powerful visualization!
SERAPHINA: It's not a visualization, it's a wish!
INSTRUCTOR ZEN: Wishes are the seeds of manifestation.
SERAPHINA: I manifest a taxi ride home.
INSTRUCTOR ZEN: Now, let us slowly return to our human forms.
SERAPHINA: Finally! Thank god!
INSTRUCTOR ZEN: Do not rush the return; it is a sacred journey.
SERAPHINA: My journey is a sprint to the exit.
INSTRUCTOR ZEN: Your energy is very jagged today.
SERAPHINA: My energy is "I'm done with this".
INSTRUCTOR ZEN: I look forward to seeing you next Tuesday.
SERAPHINA: Over my dead body.
INSTRUCTOR ZEN: Death is just another form of yoga.
SERAPHINA: Stop it! Just stop talking!
INSTRUCTOR ZEN: Such passion! Such fire!
SERAPHINA: That's not fire, that's a migraine!
INSTRUCTOR ZEN: A migraine is just the mind expanding.
SERAPHINA: My mind is expanding enough to fit all my hatred for this class.
INSTRUCTOR ZEN: Namaste, Seraphina.
SERAPHINA: Go away, Zen.
INSTRUCTOR ZEN: The light in me honors the light in you.
SERAPHINA: My light is currently a flickering fluorescent bulb.
INSTRUCTOR ZEN: A beautiful metaphor for the human condition.
SERAPHINA: I'm leaving now.
INSTRUCTOR ZEN: Walk in peace.
SERAPHINA: I'll walk in whatever direction gets me away from you.
INSTRUCTOR ZEN: Such a dynamic path!
SERAPHINA: SHUT UP!