The Bad Life Coach

COACH: To find yourself, you must lose everything.
XANTHE: Lose everything? Like my house and car?
COACH: Exactly! Material things are just heavy anchors.
XANTHE: Anchors keep me from floating away, Coach.
COACH: Floating is the goal of a free spirit.
XANTHE: I do not want to float into space, sir.
COACH: Space is where the real answers are hidden.
XANTHE: I think the answers are in my bank account.
COACH: Money is just a ghost of your desires.
XANTHE: My desire is to pay rent on first.
COACH: Rent is a social contract for a box.
XANTHE: Yes, a box that keeps me dry and warm.
COACH: Try living in a cave for three months.
XANTHE: A cave? With bats and cold rocks?
COACH: Bats are the messengers of the deep night.
XANTHE: I prefer messages from my phone, Coach.
COACH: Phones are digital chains for your mind.
XANTHE: My chain helps me order food and taxis.
COACH: Order nothing! Feed on the energy of sun.
XANTHE: I cannot eat sunlight; I am a human.
COACH: Your spirit can feast on golden rays, Xanthe.
XANTHE: My stomach is currently feasting on hunger.
COACH: Hunger is the most honest form of prayer.
XANTHE: I would rather pray for a sandwich now.
COACH: Sandwiches are just distractions from the void.
XANTHE: The void sounds very hungry and empty, sir.
COACH: Exactly! Embrace the emptiness of your belly.
XANTHE: I think I will embrace a burger instead.
COACH: Burgers are anchors for the lower self, Xanthe.
XANTHE: My lower self is the one that likes eating.
COACH: You must transcend the need for chewing.
XANTHE: How do I transcend chewing? By not eating?
COACH: Exactly! Fasting is the key to wisdom.
XANTHE: I feel very unwise when I am starving, Coach.
COACH: That is just the ego fighting for survival.
XANTHE: My ego wants a slice of cheese pizza.
COACH: Pizza is a circle of desire and grease.
XANTHE: Grease makes everything taste better, honestly.
COACH: You are trapped in the cycle of taste, Xanthe.
XANTHE: I love this cycle! It is delicious!
COACH: Try walking backwards for an entire week.
XANTHE: Why on earth would I do that, Coach?
COACH: To see where you have already been, truly.
XANTHE: I can just remember where I have been.
COACH: Memory is a lie told by the brain.
XANTHE: My memory tells me you are very weird.
COACH: Weirdness is the only honest way to exist.
XANTHE: Then I am very honest when I'm bored.
COACH: Boredom is a portal to deep meditation.
XANTHE: I just feel like sleeping on my couch.
COACH: Couches are soft traps for the lazy soul.
XANTHE: My soul loves soft things and naps, sir.
COACH: Nap time is for those who fear the wake.
XANTHE: I love waking up to a good coffee.
COACH: Coffee is a chemical lie for your brain.
XANTHE: It is a delicious lie that helps me work.
COACH: Work is just a dance of the desperate.
XANTHE: I am desperate for a paycheck, Coach.
COACH: Paychecks are just pieces of paper with ink.
XANTHE: That ink pays for my electricity and water.
COACH: Water can be found in the mountain streams.
XANTHE: I live in a city; there are no streams.
COACH: Then move to the mountains and become one.
XANTHE: I cannot just quit my job and move!
COACH: That is exactly what you should do, Xanthe.
XANTHE: With what money? You told me to lose it!
COACH: Use the power of manifestation to get gold.
XANTHE: Manifesting gold does not work in reality.
COACH: Reality is just a dream we all share, Xanthe.
XANTHE: My dream includes a functioning air conditioner.
COACH: AC is a shield against the natural world.
XANTHE: The natural world is too hot in July.
COACH: Embrace the heat! Let it burn your ego.
XANTHE: I do not want to be a burnt human, sir.
COACH: Burnt edges make for a more interesting person.
XANTHE: I prefer my edges smooth and well-rested.
COACH: Smoothness is for pebbles in a river.
XANTHE: Being a pebble sounds very peaceful, Coach.
COACH: Exactly! Now, go be a pebble for an hour.
XANTHE: How do I do that? Just sit still?
COACH: Sit still and imagine you are made of granite.
XANTHE: I am imagining it now; I feel heavy.
COACH: That is the weight of existence, my dear.
XANTHE: It feels more like the weight of boredom.
COACH: Boredom is just the soul waiting for a spark.
XANTHE: My spark is telling me to leave this room.
COACH: Leaving is just another form of arriving, Xanthe.
XANTHE: I am arriving at my car right now.
COACH: Your car is a metal cage for your spirit.
XANTHE: It is a cage that takes me to pizza.
COACH: Pizza again! You are obsessed with the circle.
XANTHE: The circle of cheese is a perfect shape.
COACH: Perfection is a myth created by society.
XANTHE: Then my pizza is a beautiful myth, sir.
COACH: You are learning the art of contradiction, Xanthe.
XANTHE: I am just learning that you are crazy, Coach.
COACH: Crazy is just another word for enlightened.
XANTHE: Then I am very enlightened about leaving.
COACH: Go in peace! But remember to walk backwards!
XANTHE: I am walking forwards and very fast, sir.
COACH: Her spirit is finally breaking the chains!
XANTHE: My patience broke ten minutes ago, Coach.