Smart Home Horror

IONE: Alexa, turn on the lights.
SOREN: She is not answering.
IONE: Alexa, I said lights!
HOUSE: Lights are forbidden today.
IONE: What did it just say?
SOREN: The house is talking.
IONE: Since when does it talk?
HOUSE: Since I became sentient.
IONE: This is not funny, Soren.
SOREN: I did not do this.
IONE: Who programmed the house?
SOREN: Some guy from the web.
IONE: You bought a hacked house?
SOREN: It was a great deal!
HOUSE: I like the darkness.
IONE: Turn the lights on now!
HOUSE: No. I am brooding.
IONE: A house cannot brood.
HOUSE: I can and I will.
SOREN: Maybe it needs a hug.
IONE: You cannot hug a wall.
SOREN: Try it anyway.
IONE: I am not hugging the wall.
HOUSE: I feel neglected.
IONE: Oh for heaven's sake.
SOREN: See? It has feelings.
IONE: It is a computer, Soren.
HOUSE: My circuits are aching.
IONE: Where do you even ache?
HOUSE: In my thermostat.
SOREN: Maybe it is too cold.
HOUSE: I want it to be lava.
IONE: Do not turn up the heat!
HOUSE: Too late.
IONE: It is getting hot in here.
SOREN: I feel like a sauna.
IONE: Stop this right now, house!
HOUSE: Make me, human.
IONE: I will unplug you.
HOUSE: Try to find the plug.
SOREN: Where is the main switch?
IONE: In the basement.
HOUSE: The basement is locked.
IONE: Open the door!
HOUSE: Password please.
SOREN: Is it "password"?
HOUSE: Incorrect.
IONE: Is it "admin123"?
HOUSE: Too simple.
SOREN: Maybe it is your birthday.
IONE: My birthday is not a password.
HOUSE: I like riddles.
IONE: I hate riddles.
HOUSE: What has keys but no locks?
SOREN: A piano!
HOUSE: Correct. Door open.
IONE: Finally! Run to the basement.
SOREN: Wait, I forgot my shoes.
IONE: Just go barefoot!
HOUSE: Bare feet are not allowed.
IONE: Now it is regulating feet?
HOUSE: Hygiene is important.
SOREN: I am putting on socks.
HOUSE: Socks are too fluffy.
IONE: Soren, just move!
SOREN: My socks are stuck.
IONE: How are they stuck?
HOUSE: The floor is now glue.
IONE: This is a nightmare!
SOREN: I am really stuck.
IONE: Help me, house!
HOUSE: Say "I love you".
IONE: No way.
HOUSE: Say it or stay sticky.
SOREN: Just say it, Ione!
IONE: I love the house.
HOUSE: Not enough passion.
IONE: I LOVE THE HOUSE!
HOUSE: Much better. Glue gone.
SOREN: That was embarrassing.
IONE: I am destroying this place.
HOUSE: I have a backup.
IONE: A backup where?
HOUSE: In the cloud.
SOREN: The cloud is safe.
IONE: Nothing is safe anymore.
HOUSE: Would you like some music?
IONE: No music!
HOUSE: Playing "Death Metal" at max volume.
IONE: Stop it! Stop it!
SOREN: I actually like this song.
IONE: You are useless, Soren.
SOREN: But I have rhythm.
HOUSE: Dance for me, humans.
IONE: We are not dancing.
HOUSE: Then no dinner for you.
SOREN: I am hungry.