The Bad Gym Coach: Stretching Edition

COACH: Now, everyone, let us enter the state of liquid!
DAPHNE: I am a human, Coach; I cannot be liquid.
COACH: Your bones are just suggestions of structure, Daphne.
DAPHNE: My bones are very real and they don't bend that way.
COACH: That is because you are thinking in 3D, my child.
DAPHNE: I am a 3D being in a 3D world, sir.
COACH: Try to perceive yourself as a shimmering cloud.
DAPHNE: A cloud cannot do a downward dog, Coach.
COACH: The same is true for the soul's stretching, Daphne.
DAPHNE: My soul is stretched enough from this class, sir.
COACH: Now, twist your arm behind your back and then some!
DAPHNE: I can barely touch my shoulder, let alone more.
COACH: Use the power of imagination to extend your limb.
DAPHNE: Imagination does not change the length of muscle.
COACH: Muscle is just a physical manifestation of will.
DAPHNE: My will is not enough to turn into a pretzel, Coach.
COACH: Pretzels are the peak of flexibility and taste!
DAPHNE: I prefer tasting pretzels over becoming one, sir.
COACH: Now, balance on your nose while lifting one leg.
DAPHNE: That is biologically impossible for any human, Coach.
COACH: Impossibility is just a wall you haven't climbed yet.
DAPHNE: I am not climbing a wall; I am on a yoga mat.
COACH: The mat is the mountain of your inner struggle, Daphne.
DAPHNE: My struggle is just trying not to fall over, sir.
COACH: Falling is just a little kiss from gravity's lips.
DAPHNE: Gravity has very hard lips; they leave bruises.
COACH: Bruises are just colors of the warrior's journey.
DAPHNE: I am tired of being a warrior; I want a nap.
COACH: Naps are for those who have surrendered to sleep.
DAPHNE: I am very ready to surrender, Coach.
COACH: Now, fold yourself into a perfect cube, please!
DAPHNE: Fold myself? I am not a piece of paper, sir.
COACH: Your body is a canvas; you are the artist, Daphne.
DAPHNE: My art is "sitting still and breathing", Coach.
COACH: Breathing is just the appetizer for deep energy.
DAPHNE: I am full of energy from the sheer stress here.
COACH: Stress is just excitement that has lost its way.
DAPHNE: My excitement is currently focused on the exit.
COACH: The exit is a mirror of your internal resistance.
DAPHNE: My resistance is high because this is ridiculous, sir.
COACH: Ridiculousness is the only path to true enlightenment.
DAPHNE: Enlightenment should not involve folding into cubes.
COACH: Cubes are the most stable form of existence, Daphne.
DAPHNE: I prefer being a slightly curved human, thank you.
COACH: Curves are just unfinished circles, my dear.
DAPHNE: I am perfectly finished as a person, Coach.
COACH: You are a work in progress; let us refine you!
DAPHNE: Refinement usually involves less screaming, sir.
COACH: Screaming is the voice of the inner tiger waking up.
DAPHNE: My tiger is still sleeping and wants to stay that way.
COACH: Wake him up with a loud, guttural roar now!
DAPHNE: I am not roaring in a public gym, Coach.
COACH: The world needs your roar to feel the vibration!
DAPHNE: The world can find vibrations in a speaker, sir.
COACH: Speakers are just echoes of true human power.
DAPHNE: My power is currently used for holding my balance.
COACH: Balance is not about stillness; it is about movement.
DAPHNE: Then why do you tell us to stay perfectly still?
COACH: I want you to move within the stillness, Daphne.
DAPHNE: That sounds like a paradox that makes no sense.
COACH: Paradoxes are the only truth in a world of lies.
DAPHNE: My truth is that my leg is starting to cramp.
COACH: A cramp is just your muscle having a conversation.
DAPHNE: The conversation is "stop doing this right now"!
COACH: Listen to the conversation, but do not obey it.
DAPHNE: I am obeying my muscle; I am letting go, sir.
COACH: Let go of the fear! Embrace the tension, Daphne!
DAPHNE: Tension is what makes a guitar string work, Coach.
COACH: Exactly! You are a guitar playing the song of life.
DAPHNE: My song is currently a very loud, discordant noise.
COACH: Discordance is just harmony that hasn't settled yet.
DAPHNE: I think it has settled into a permanent ache.
COACH: Ache is the same as growth; you are expanding!
DAPHNE: I am expanding my desire to leave this building.
COACH: The building is just a box for your physical form.
DAPHNE: A box that contains a very strange man, Coach.
COACH: I am not a man; I am a conduit for energy!
DAPHNE: A conduit that makes me feel like a pretzel, sir.
COACH: Now, attempt to touch your elbow with your ear!
DAPHNE: That is physically impossible without breaking something.
COACH: Breaking is just the process of making room for new.
DAPHNE: I do not want "new" bones in my head, Coach.
COACH: Your bones are just crystals that can be reshaped.
DAPHNE: My bones are calcium; they are not crystals, sir.
COACH: Calcium is just a slow-moving crystal of the earth.
DAPHNE: You have a very weird way of describing biology.
COACH: Biology is la limit; spirit is the infinite expanse.
DAPHNE: I am feeling the infinite expanse of my boredom.
COACH: Boredom is just a vacuum waiting to be filled.
DAPHNE: I will fill it with a huge burger after this.
COACH: Burgers are anchors that keep you from floating, Daphne.
DAPHNE: I like being anchored; it keeps me on the ground.
COACH: Then you are a prisoner of your own gravity, dear.
DAPHNE: I am a happy prisoner who likes cheese and naps.
COACH: Now, balance on one fingertip for ten seconds!
DAPHNE: Absolutely not! That is just plain crazy, sir.
COACH: Crazy is the only way to see the hidden world.
DAPHNE: The hidden world looks like it has better instructors.
COACH: You are finally questioning the nature of reality, Daphne!
DAPHNE: I am questioning why I paid for this class, Coach.
COACH: The cost is a small price for a cosmic awakening.
DAPHNE: My awakening is that I am leaving right now.
COACH: Go then! Carry your inner tiger into the wild!
DAPHNE: My tiger is going to sleep in a dark room, sir.
COACH: Sleep is just a rehearsal for the great void, Daphne.
DAPHNE: We are back to the void again; I am officially done.
COACH: Namaste! Keep your spirit flexible and your mind open!
DAPHNE: My mind is open to the idea of never coming back.
COACH: She has finally found her path to true liberation!
DAPHNE: My liberation is the parking lot, goodbye Coach.