The Alarm Clock War

BEN: Turn it off!
NILES: I can't find the button!
BEN: It's a red button, Niles!
NILES: There are three red buttons!
BEN: The biggest one!
NILES: I pressed it and it got louder!
BEN: Why did you buy an alarm that gets louder?
NILES: To ensure I wake up.
BEN: I am awake! I've been awake!
NILES: Then why are you still in bed?
BEN: Because I'm mourning my sleep.
NILES: Sleep is for the weak.
BEN: I am very weak right now.
NILES: Get up and help me.
BEN: Help you do what?
NILES: Stop the noise!
BEN: It's like a siren in here.
NILES: I thought it would be motivating.
BEN: Motivating me to move out.
NILES: Don't be so dramatic.
BEN: My eardrums are vibrating.
NILES: That's just the rhythm of success.
BEN: Success sounds like a dying cat.
NILES: A very loud, metallic cat.
BEN: Give me the clock.
NILES: I can't, it's stuck to the table.
BEN: Why is it stuck?
NILES: I used superglue for stability.
BEN: Stability? It's an alarm clock!
NILES: I didn't want it to fall.
BEN: Now we can't move it away.
NILES: We can just cover it with pillows.
BEN: Pillows don't stop sound, Niles.
NILES: They muffle the pain.
BEN: My pain is currently 110 decibels.
NILES: Maybe if we sing along?
BEN: I am not singing to a clock.
NILES: It would create a harmony.
BEN: A harmony of misery.
NILES: You're such a pessimist.
BEN: I'm a realist who wants silence.
NILES: Silence is boring.
BEN: Silence is heaven.
NILES: Heaven is overrated.
BEN: Not at 6 AM, it isn't.
NILES: Why do we have to wake up?
BEN: Because you have a job!
NILES: Jobs are just long naps without sleep.
BEN: That makes no sense.
NILES: It makes perfect sense to me.
BEN: Your logic is terrifying.
NILES: I am a philosopher of the morning.
BEN: Philosophers usually don't scream.
NILES: This is an active philosophy.
BEN: Active noise pollution, you mean.
NILES: Look, I found the switch!
BEN: Turn it off now!
NILES: Wait, this might be the snooze.
BEN: Just hit it!
NILES: I did!
BEN: Is it quiet?
NILES: No, it's playing a song now.
BEN: Why is it playing music?
NILES: It's the 'Gentle Wakeup' mode.
BEN: This is not gentle!
NILES: It's an upbeat jazz track.
BEN: I hate jazz at dawn.
NILES: Jazz is sophisticated.
BEN: Sophistication doesn't involve screaming.
NILES: The saxophone is screaming.
BEN: Stop the sax!
NILES: I can't, it's a loop.
BEN: A loop of agony.
NILES: It's actually quite catchy.
BEN: Your taste in music is broken.
NILES: My taste is avant-garde.
BEN: Avant-garde means 'too weird for people'.
NILES: Exactly! I am special.
BEN: You are a menace to society.
NILES: A musical menace.
BEN: Give me the hammer.
NILES: Why do you need a hammer?
BEN: To give this clock a permanent nap.
NILES: Don't kill it!
BEN: It's a machine, Niles.
NILES: But it has a personality.
BEN: Its personality is 'annoying'.
NILES: I think it's spirited.
BEN: Spiritless is better.
NILES: Wait, the song is ending.
BEN: Finally...
NILES: Oh no, the buzzer is back.
BEN: I am actually going to scream now.
NILES: Join me! It'll be a duet.
BEN: I hate you so much.
NILES: Love you too, roomie!
BEN: Get out of my face.
NILES: But we're in the same room.
BEN: I will find a way to move.
NILES: To another bed?
BEN: To another continent.
NILES: Can I come?
BEN: Absolutely not.
NILES: I'll bring the clock!
BEN: DON'T YOU DARE.
NILES: Too late, it's already packed.
BEN: My life is a joke.
NILES: A very funny one!
BEN: Stop laughing and find the off switch.
NILES: I think it's on the bottom.
BEN: Then flip it over!
NILES: But then we can't see the time.
BEN: I don't care about the time!
NILES: Time is a construct.
BEN: Your constructs are loud.
NILES: And rhythmic!
BEN: Shut up, Niles.
NILES: Okay.
BEN: ...is it off?
NILES: Nope.
BEN: AHHH!