The Bad Yoga Teacher

GURU: Now, channel your inner screaming tiger!
MIREYA: I thought we were finding peace, Guru.
GURU: Peace is for the weak, my child.
MIREYA: I just want to stretch my hamstrings.
GURU: Hamstrings are just cables of the soul.
MIREYA: Cables that are currently very tight, sir.
GURU: Tightness is just a lack of cosmic flow.
MIREYA: Can we just do a simple pose now?
GURU: Simple is for those who fear growth.
MIREYA: I fear for my spine in this pose.
GURU: The spine is a flexible antenna, Mireya.
MIREYA: My antenna is about to snap, Guru.
GURU: Let out a loud, guttural roar now!
MIREYA: I am not roaring in a public class.
GURU: Silence is the enemy of the tiger!
MIREYA: I prefer being a quiet house cat.
GURU: House cats are slaves to the kibble.
MIREYA: Kibble is delicious and very consistent.
GURU: Consistency is a cage for the spirit.
MIREYA: My spirit likes consistency in breakfast.
GURU: Now, balance on your left elbow only!
MIREYA: That is physically impossible for me.
GURU: Impossibility is just a mental wall, Mireya.
MIREYA: My wall is made of actual bone, Guru.
GURU: Bones can be convinced to shift, surely.
MIREYA: I do not want to convince my bones.
GURU: Close your eyes and feel the wind.
MIREYA: There is no wind in this room, Guru.
GURU: The internal wind is the only truth.
MIREYA: My internal wind feels like a sneeze.
GURU: Sneeze it out! Release the cosmic energy!
MIREYA: I am not sneezing on my classmates.
GURU: Energy does not care about social norms.
MIREYA: Most people do care about hygiene, sir.
GURU: Hygiene is a construct of the material world.
MIREYA: My mat is a construct I paid for.
GURU: Now, twist your body into a pretzel!
MIREYA: I am not a piece of salty dough.
GURU: The pretzel pose opens the third eye.
MIREYA: My third eye just sees a ceiling fan.
GURU: The fan is a metaphor for cycle life.
MIREYA: It is just a plastic fan, Guru.
GURU: Everything is a metaphor if you try.
MIREYA: I am trying to not fall over, sir.
GURU: Falling is just landing in a new way.
MIREYA: Landing on my head is not a goal.
GURU: The crown chakra needs a little shock.
MIREYA: My crown needs a hat and some shade.
GURU: Now, make a humming sound like bee!
MIREYA: I am not humming for the class, Guru.
GURU: Bees are the architects of the universe.
MIREYA: Bees also sting people in the face.
GURU: Pain is just a greeting from the void.
MIREYA: The void has very bad manners, sir.
GURU: Your resistance is blocking your enlightenment.
MIREYA: My resistance is keeping me upright, Guru.
GURU: Let go of the ego and float away.
MIREYA: I am too heavy to float, unfortunately.
GURU: Weight is just a suggestion from gravity.
MIREYA: Gravity is not a suggestion, it's law.
GURU: Laws can be broken with deep breathing.
MIREYA: I have breathed deeply and I'm still here.
GURU: Perhaps you are not breathing in sync.
MIREYA: In sync with what? Your weird noises?
GURU: These sounds are ancient frequencies, Mireya.
MIREYA: They sound like a dying vacuum cleaner.
GURU: Vacuums also seek the truth of dust.
MIREYA: You are very strange, even for yoga.
GURU: Strange is just another word for awakened.
MIREYA: I think I am awake enough to leave.
GURU: The class is not over yet, my child.
MIREYA: My patience ended ten minutes ago, Guru.
GURU: Patience is a muscle that needs training.
MIREYA: Then I am currently in the growth phase.
GURU: Now, balance on your chin for minute!
MIREYA: Absolutely not! That is just ridiculous, sir.
GURU: Ridiculousness is the gateway to true joy.
MIREYA: My joy is found in a soft chair.
GURU: Chairs are traps for the lazy mind.
MIREYA: I love my trap! It is very comfy.
GURU: Now, chant the name of the sun!
MIREYA: I am not chanting at a light bulb.
GURU: The light bulb is a proxy for Sol.
MIREYA: You are just making things up now.
GURU: Imagination is the highest form of yoga.
MIREYA: Then I imagine this class is over.
GURU: Your imagination is very powerful today, Mireya.
MIREYA: Thank you! I am using it to exit.
GURU: Wait! We still have the fire breath!
MIREYA: I am not breathing fire in here, Guru.
GURU: It only takes a small spark of will.
MIREYA: My will is focused on the parking lot.
GURU: The parking lot is also a sacred space.
MIREYA: Only if you like asphalt and oil leaks.
GURU: Oil is the blood of the earth, Mireya.
MIREYA: You are too deep for this time, sir.
GURU: Depth is where the real treasures hide.
MIREYA: I found my treasure; it is my car keys.
GURU: Keys can unlock doors, but not spirits.
MIREYA: My spirit is unlocked and going home now.
GURU: Namaste, you stubborn little house cat!
MIREYA: Goodbye, you loud, neon-wearing tiger, Guru.
GURU: She has finally awakened to the flow!
MIREYA: I am just awakened to the exit sign.