The Alien Roommate

DAVE: Why is the vacuum screaming, Zorg?
ZORG: It is singing the song of dust.
DAVE: Vacuums do not sing songs, Zorg.
ZORG: This one has a very soulful voice.
DAVE: You are holding it upside down.
ZORG: The dust likes to be lifted up.
DAVE: Just put it on the floor, please.
ZORG: The floor is a forbidden zone today.
DAVE: Why is the floor forbidden, Zorg?
ZORG: I have declared it a lava kingdom.
DAVE: We are in a third-floor apartment!
ZORG: Lava can exist anywhere with imagination.
DAVE: I just want to clean the rug.
ZORG: Rugs are the enemies of the state.
DAVE: What state? You are from Mars!
ZORG: The United Republic of Red Rocks.
DAVE: Do they not have vacuums there?
ZORG: We use sonic waves to kill dust.
DAVE: That sounds much more efficient, honestly.
ZORG: But sonic waves make the cats explode.
DAVE: Please do not explode my cat, Zorg.
ZORG: I promise to keep him intact, Dave.
DAVE: Why are you eating the remote?
ZORG: It tastes like electricity and plastic.
DAVE: Remotes are for changing the channel!
ZORG: I prefer the flavor of Channel Four.
DAVE: You cannot taste a television channel!
ZORG: My tongue is a multi-dimensional antenna.
DAVE: This is why we can't have guests.
ZORG: Guests are just organic spies, Dave.
DAVE: No one is spying on our laundry.
ZORG: The laundry is the key to everything.
DAVE: It is just socks and underwear, Zorg.
ZORG: Socks are primitive foot-coffins, truly.
DAVE: They keep my toes warm, you alien.
ZORG: Warmth is a luxury for the weak.
DAVE: I like warmth! I am a mammal!
ZORG: Mammals are just wet hair bags, Dave.
DAVE: That is a very rude description, Zorg.
ZORG: It is a biological fact on Mars.
DAVE: Why did you move to Earth, anyway?
ZORG: The rent was cheaper in this sector.
DAVE: You pay rent with what? Space rocks?
ZORG: I use encrypted galactic credits, Dave.
DAVE: Our landlord only takes cash or check.
ZORG: I will give him a shiny pebble.
DAVE: He will throw you out for that.
ZORG: Then I shall conquer this apartment!
DAVE: You cannot conquer a one-bedroom flat.
ZORG: Watch me! I have a tiny flag!
DAVE: Put the flag away and clean up.
ZORG: Cleaning is a human obsession, Dave.
DAVE: Having a clean house is not obsession.
ZORG: On Mars, we live in dust storms.
DAVE: That explains the smell in here.
ZORG: It is the scent of ancient wisdom.
DAVE: It smells like wet dog and sulfur.
ZORG: Sulfur is the spice of the universe.
DAVE: I prefer cinnamon or maybe pepper.
ZORG: Pepper is too aggressive for my tongue.
DAVE: Your tongue is a weird antenna, remember?
ZORG: Yes, it is currently picking up radio.
DAVE: What is playing on your tongue now?
ZORG: A weather report from New Jersey.
DAVE: Why are you tuned to New Jersey?
ZORG: They have very interesting rain patterns.
DAVE: This is getting way too weird, Zorg.
ZORG: Weird is just a different frequency, Dave.
DAVE: I need a normal roommate, seriously.
ZORG: Normal is boring and lacks tentacles.
DAVE: You do not even have tentacles, Zorg.
ZORG: I keep them in my special bag.
DAVE: Please never take them out, please.
ZORG: They are very shy about their size.
DAVE: I do not want to see them.
ZORG: Too late! Look at this one wiggle!
DAVE: AHH! Get that thing away from me!
ZORG: He just wants a little hug, Dave.
DAVE: Tentacles do not hug, they squeeze!
ZORG: Squeezing is just a firm hug, Dave.
DAVE: I am calling the alien embassy now.
ZORG: They will not answer on Tuesdays.
DAVE: Why are Tuesdays silent for aliens?
ZORG: We all take a collective nap, Dave.
DAVE: Then you should be napping right now!
ZORG: I forgot it was Tuesday, my mistake.
DAVE: Go to sleep and leave the vacuum.
ZORG: Fine, but the lava kingdom remains.
DAVE: Whatever, just stop eating the remote.
ZORG: I will stick to the microwave, then.
DAVE: DO NOT EAT THE MICROWAVE, ZORG!
ZORG: Too late, it tastes like popcorn.
DAVE: I give up on this living arrangement.
ZORG: Sweet dreams, organic hair bag, Dave.