The Bad Life Coach: Relationship Edition

COACH: The secret to love is total unpredictable chaos.
AURELIA: Chaos? My husband hates surprises, Coach.
COACH: That is because he has a rigid heart, Aurelia.
AURELIA: He just likes knowing when dinner is ready.
COACH: Dinner is a social construct for the bored.
AURELIA: We both like eating; it's not about boredom.
COACH: You should stop eating together for a month.
AURELIA: Why would we do that? That sounds awful.
COACH: Hunger creates a spiritual longing for each other.
AURELIA: It creates a longing for pizza, Coach.
COACH: Pizza is just a circle of material desire.
AURELIA: I love my material desires; they taste great.
COACH: You must transcend the stomach to find the soul.
AURELIA: My soul is very hungry right now, sir.
COACH: Now, try speaking only in riddles for a week.
AURELIA: Riddles? He will think I have a brain tumor.
COACH: Mystery is the spark that reignites passion, Aurelia.
AURELIA: Passion is not found in "what has keys but no locks".
COACH: That is exactly how you pique his interest!
AURELIA: His interest is in football and lawn mowing.
COACH: Lawn mowing is just a meditation on grass.
AURELIA: He does not meditate; he just cuts the weed.
COACH: You must encourage him to dance with the wind.
AURELIA: He does not dance; he barely walks with grace.
COACH: Grace is found in the most awkward movements.
AURELIA: Our marriage is currently very awkward, Coach.
COACH: That is the perfect foundation for a rebirth!
AURELIA: I do not want a rebirth; I just want peace.
COACH: Peace is a stagnant pond; you need a river.
AURELIA: A river that flows toward a divorce, maybe?
COACH: Divorce is just a shedding of an old skin.
AURELIA: I am not a snake; I am a tired wife, sir.
COACH: You are a goddess trapped in a mundane life.
AURELIA: My goddess needs a vacation and some sleep.
COACH: Sleep is for those who fear the waking dream.
AURELIA: I love my dreams; they have no life coaches.
COACH: Now, try wearing a costume every single day.
AURELIA: A costume? Like a dinosaur or a pirate?
COACH: Exactly! Surprise him with your inner animal.
AURELIA: He will call the police if I wear a dinosaur suit.
COACH: The police are just guardians of the status quo.
AURELIA: They are also guards who put people in jail.
COACH: Jail is just a focused retreat for the spirit.
AURELIA: I do not want a spiritual retreat in prison, Coach.
COACH: You are too attached to your safety, Aurelia.
AURELIA: Safety is what allows me to sleep at night.
COACH: Sleep is just a rehearsal for the great void.
AURELIA: Why does every coach mention the void, sir?
COACH: Because the void is where we find our truth.
AURELIA: My truth is that this advice is terrible.
COACH: Truth is often uncomfortable at first, Aurelia.
AURELIA: Uncomfortable is one word for it; "insane" is another.
COACH: Insanity is just a different frequency of logic.
AURELIA: Your frequency is tuned to the wrong station.
COACH: I am broadcasting on the wave of enlightenment!
AURELIA: Enlightenment sounds like a lot of work, Coach.
COACH: It is a journey of a thousand unplanned steps.
AURELIA: I prefer a map and a clear destination, sir.
COACH: Maps are cages for the adventurous soul, Aurelia.
AURELIA: My adventure is currently surviving this session.
COACH: You are already evolving, I can feel it now.
AURELIA: I feel a headache coming on, actually.
COACH: Headaches are just thoughts trying to escape.
AURELIA: My thought is that you are a total fraud.
COACH: Fraud is just a label given by the uninitiated.
AURELIA: I am initiated into the art of common sense.
COACH: Common sense is the enemy of true brilliance.
AURELIA: Brilliance should not involve wearing dinosaur suits.
COACH: Imagine the laughter! Laughter is the soul's music.
AURELIA: He does not laugh; he just sighs and groans.
COACH: Then you must become a mirror for his sigh.
AURELIA: Sigh back at him? That sounds depressing, sir.
COACH: It creates a shared resonance of existential dread.
AURELIA: I do not want to share dread with my husband.
COACH: Dread is the same as excitement, just inverted.
AURELIA: My excitement is for the end of this hour.
COACH: You are already manifesting your freedom, Aurelia.
AURELIA: Freedom from your "advice" is a great feeling.
COACH: Advice is just a suggestion for the spirit's path.
AURELIA: My spirit's path leads directly to the door.
COACH: The door is a symbol of transition, my dear.
AURELIA: It is a symbol of me leaving this room, Coach.
COACH: Go then! Walk with the grace of a wild cat!
AURELIA: I am walking with the grace of a tired woman.
COACH: See? You are embracing your truth already!
AURELIA: My truth is that you are a weird man, sir.
COACH: Weirdness is the only way to stay awake, Aurelia.
AURELIA: I have been wide awake since I arrived here.
COACH: That is the shock of the awakening, truly.
AURELIA: I am going home to eat some pizza in peace.
COACH: Pizza again! The circle of desire continues.
AURELIA: It is a delicious circle and I love it, Coach.
COACH: Your attachment to cheese is your only anchor.
AURELIA: I will keep my anchor and my sanity, thanks.
COACH: Sanity is just a consensus of the bored, Aurelia.
AURELIA: I am happy to be bored with my husband.
COACH: Then you are both prisoners of the mundane.
AURELIA: We are very happy prisoners; goodbye, Coach.
COACH: She has finally found her center in the cheese!
AURELIA: Just stop talking and let me leave, please.