The Gym Struggle

BEN: How does this work?
ZEPHYR: The screen says push.
BEN: I am pushing.
ZEPHYR: Push harder, Ben.
BEN: I'm turning purple!
ZEPHYR: Maybe it's a pull machine.
BEN: Then why does it say push?
ZEPHYR: It's a trick question.
BEN: Gyms shouldn't have tricks.
ZEPHYR: Fitness is a journey.
BEN: My journey ends in failure.
ZEPHYR: Just slide this lever.
BEN: Which one? The red or blue?
ZEPHYR: Red usually means stop.
BEN: Then I'll use the blue.
ZEPHYR: Wait, blue might be eject.
BEN: Eject me where?
ZEPHYR: To the parking lot.
BEN: This is too complex.
ZEPHYR: It's just a leg press.
BEN: My legs are not pressing.
ZEPHYR: Try breathing in.
BEN: I am breathing!
ZEPHYR: More deeply.
BEN: Now I'm dizzy.
ZEPHYR: That's the toxins leaving.
BEN: Toxins don't make you dizzy.
ZEPHYR: My app says they do.
BEN: Your app is a liar.
ZEPHYR: It has five stars!
BEN: Five stars from who?
ZEPHYR: People who like fitness.
BEN: I hate this.
ZEPHYR: Just one more rep.
BEN: I haven't done any reps.
ZEPHYR: This struggle is a rep.
BEN: That's not how it works.
ZEPHYR: It is in my mind.
BEN: Your mind is a scary place.
ZEPHYR: It's a place of growth.
BEN: I'm growing a headache.
ZEPHYR: Lean back further.
BEN: I can't see the ceiling.
ZEPHYR: That's because you're low.
BEN: I'm too low!
ZEPHYR: Now push!
BEN: AHHH!
ZEPHYR: Did it move?
BEN: I think I saw a spark.
ZEPHYR: Sparks are good.
BEN: No, sparks are bad!
ZEPHYR: Maybe it's an electric gym.
BEN: Why would it be electric?
ZEPHYR: For extra stimulation.
BEN: I am stimulated enough.
ZEPHYR: Look at your muscles.
BEN: I don't see anything.
ZEPHYR: They're there, just shy.
BEN: My muscles are not shy.
ZEPHYR: They're hiding in fear.
BEN: Fear of this machine?
ZEPHYR: Definitely fear of this.
BEN: Let's go to the treadmill.
ZEPHYR: Treadmills are boring.
BEN: Boring is safe.
ZEPHYR: Safe is for old people.
BEN: I feel eighty right now.
ZEPHYR: Try the elliptical.
BEN: The what?
ZEPHYR: The egg-shaped thing.
BEN: It looks like a spaceship.
ZEPHYR: Exactly! Space fitness.
BEN: I want Earth fitness.
ZEPHYR: Lifting weights is Earthy.
BEN: Weights are too heavy.
ZEPHYR: Use the pink ones.
BEN: Pink is not my color.
ZEPHYR: Color doesn't lift weight.
BEN: It affects my mood.
ZEPHYR: Your mood is grumpy.
BEN: My mood is exhausted.
ZEPHYR: We've been here ten minutes.
BEN: Ten long minutes!
ZEPHYR: You have no stamina.
BEN: I have stamina for naps.
ZEPHYR: Napping is not exercise.
BEN: It's mental recovery.
ZEPHYR: Recover from what?
BEN: From this conversation.
ZEPHYR: I am a great motivator.
BEN: You are a tormentor.
ZEPHYR: A fitness tormentor.
BEN: Let's just go home.
ZEPHYR: But we paid the fee!
BEN: Consider it a donation.
ZEPHYR: To the gym gods?
BEN: Yes, to the gods of pain.
ZEPHYR: One more set first.
BEN: No!
ZEPHYR: Just one!
BEN: Get away from me.
ZEPHYR: You're such a baby.
BEN: A baby who wants pizza.
ZEPHYR: Now you're talking.
BEN: Pizza is the real gym.
ZEPHYR: I agree completely.