Hammer Time Havoc

CONTRACTOR: Ms. Junia, what... happened here?
JUNIA: I just wanted a place for my novels.
CONTRACTOR: Why is the bookshelf on the ceiling?
JUNIA: Gravity felt too traditional.
CONTRACTOR: That's not how physics works.
JUNIA: I call it "Anti-Gravity Storage".
CONTRACTOR: Your living room floor is slanted at a ten-degree angle.
JUNIA: It helps with the drainage.
CONTRACTOR: Why would you need drainage in a living room?
JUNIA: Just in case of a flash flood.
CONTRACTOR: You live in Arizona!
JUNIA: A girl has to be prepared, Mike.
CONTRACTOR: How did you even manage to tilt the floor?
JUNIA: I might have over-tightened a couple of screws.
CONTRACTOR: Screws don't tilt floors, Junia.
JUNIA: These were very large screws.
CONTRACTOR: Did you use a power drill on the foundation?
JUNIA: It was faster than a screwdriver.
CONTRACTOR: You drilled into the structural support beams!
JUNIA: I thought they were just suggestions.
CONTRACTOR: Beams are not suggestions; they keep the house up!
JUNIA: Well, it's still up. Mostly.
CONTRACTOR: The ceiling is sagging in the kitchen.
JUNIA: It gives the room a cozy, cave-like feel.
CONTRACTOR: It's a safety hazard!
JUNIA: I think "industrial chic" is in right now.
CONTRACTOR: This isn't industrial chic; it's structural failure.
JUNIA: You're just being a pessimist.
CONTRACTOR: I'm a licensed contractor!
JUNIA: And I'm a visionary with a hammer.
CONTRACTOR: A hammer that you used to "adjust" the walls?
JUNIA: The walls were too far apart for my rug.
CONTRACTOR: You moved the walls to fit a rug?
JUNIA: It was a very expensive Persian rug.
CONTRACTOR: You can't just push walls, Junia!
JUNIA: I didn't push them, I "nudged" them.
CONTRACTOR: With what? A bulldozer?
JUNIA: A heavy-duty car jack and some hope.
CONTRACTOR: Hope is not a construction material.
JUNIA: It worked for the first three inches.
CONTRACTOR: And then the floor started to slide.
JUNIA: I prefer to call it "dynamic flooring".
CONTRACTOR: Everything in this room is sliding toward the window.
JUNIA: It's like a gentle stream of furniture.
CONTRACTOR: Your sofa is currently wedged into the drywall.
JUNIA: It's built-in seating now.
CONTRACTOR: You've created a permanent indentation in your home.
JUNIA: It's an architectural statement.
CONTRACTOR: The statement is "I have no idea what I'm doing".
JUNIA: Don't be so harsh, Mike.
CONTRACTOR: Look at this screw! It's four inches long!
JUNIA: I wanted it to be secure.
CONTRACTOR: You've screwed your bookshelf into the electrical wiring!
JUNIA: Is that why the books are glowing?
CONTRACTOR: YES! Your books are literally electrified!
JUNIA: That's great for reading in the dark.
CONTRACTOR: YOU ARE GOING TO START A FIRE!
JUNIA: You're always so dramatic about electricity.
CONTRACTOR: Electricity is not a suggestion, Junia!
JUNIA: I just thought it would be efficient.
CONTRACTOR: Efficient at what? Burning the house down?
JUNIA: Well, it did make the books easy to find.
CONTRACTOR: I cannot work in these conditions.
JUNIA: Just a few more tweaks and it'll be perfect.
CONTRACTOR: There are no "tweaks" for a collapsing ceiling!
JUNIA: Maybe if we just prop it up with some books?
CONTRACTOR: No! Do not use books to support the house!
JUNIA: But they're very heavy hardcovers.
CONTRACTOR: That is the worst idea I have ever heard.
JUNIA: You have no imagination, Mike.
CONTRACTOR: Imagination doesn't stop a roof from falling on your head.
JUNIA: It'll be fine. The house has character.
CONTRACTOR: Character? Your hallway is now a triangle!
JUNIA: I've always liked geometry.
CONTRACTOR: You've turned a suburban home into a funhouse.
JUNIA: Exactly! Who needs a boring square house?
CONTRACTOR: People who like their walls to be vertical!
JUNIA: Vertical is so 20th century.
CONTRACTOR: I'm charging you triple for this.
JUNIA: Why?
CONTRACTOR: Because I need therapy after seeing this.
JUNIA: Can I pay you in "industrial chic" furniture?
CONTRACTOR: Absolutely not. Cash or check.
JUNIA: Fine. But help me move the sofa first.
CONTRACTOR: It's part of the wall now, Junia.
JUNIA: Then we'll just call it a day.
CONTRACTOR: I'm leaving before the chimney falls over.
JUNIA: The chimney is just "leaning" for style.
CONTRACTOR: Goodbye, Junia.
JUNIA: Come back tomorrow! I'm doing the bathroom!
CONTRACTOR: NO!
JUNIA: I have a great idea for a waterfall shower!
CONTRACTOR: DON'T TOUCH THE PLUMBING!
JUNIA: Too late, I already found the big wrench.
CONTRACTOR: God help us all.
JUNIA: It's going to be magnificent!