The Bad First Date: The Hobbyist

JASPER: And this one is called "The Eternal Pebble".
BEATRIX: It looks like a regular rock from driveway.
JASPER: Regular? This has a very unique mineral vein!
BEATRIX: I think it's just a bit of dirt, Jasper.
JASPER: Dirt is the skin of the earth, Beatrix, truly.
BEATRIX: We have been talking about rocks for an hour.
JASPER: Rocks are the history of the world in stone.
BEATRIX: I would rather talk about our actual lives.
JASPER: My life is a collection of geological wonders.
BEATRIX: Do you have any hobbies that involve people?
JASPER: I belong to a rock-polishing club on Tuesdays.
BEATRIX: A rock-polishing club? That sounds thrilling.
JASPER: It is! We compete for the smoothest surface.
BEATRIX: Why would anyone want a smooth rock, Jasper?
JASPER: Because smoothness is the peak of tactile joy.
BEATRIX: I find the texture of bread more joyful, honestly.
JASPER: Bread is temporary; stones are forever, Beatrix.
BEATRIX: Forever is a long time to stare at pebbles.
JASPER: I can show you my collection of river silt.
BEATRIX: River silt? Please tell me you are joking.
JASPER: I have them organized by grain size and color.
BEATRIX: This is the most boring date of my entire life.
JASPER: Boring? Geology is a thrilling adventure, Beatrix!
BEATRIX: An adventure that happens while sitting still.
JASPER: The rocks travel through time, not through space.
BEATRIX: I prefer traveling through space to get home.
JASPER: We are just getting to the best part, really.
BEATRIX: What could possibly be better than river silt?
JASPER: My collection of rare volcanic pumice stones!
BEATRIX: Pumice is just a sponge made of rock, Jasper.
JASPER: Exactly! It is a paradox of nature, Beatrix.
BEATRIX: The only paradox here is why I agreed to this.
JASPER: You probably felt the pull of my mineral energy.
BEATRIX: I felt the pull of the wine list, actually.
JASPER: Wine is just fermented grape juice with minerals.
BEATRIX: Stop bringing everything back to minerals, Jasper!
JASPER: It is hard when the world is made of stone.
BEATRIX: The world is also made of air and water, sir.
JASPER: Air is just gas; water is just liquid rock.
BEATRIX: Liquid rock? You mean lava? I'm not drinking lava.
JASPER: Not literally, but the essence is there, Beatrix.
BEATRIX: Your "essence" is making me want to leave now.
JASPER: Wait! I haven't shown you my quartz crystals.
BEATRIX: I do not want to see your crystals, Jasper.
JASPER: They help align the chakras of the room.
BEATRIX: My chakras are perfectly aligned for exiting.
JASPER: You are just resisting the geological flow, Beatrix.
BEATRIX: I am resisting a man who collects driveway dirt.
JASPER: It is not dirt; it is a sediment sample!
BEATRIX: Call it whatever you want; it's still just dirt.
JASPER: You lack the vision to see the hidden beauty.
BEATRIX: The only thing hidden here is my desire to escape.
JASPER: I can teach you how to identify shale, Beatrix.
BEATRIX: I would rather identify a way to end this date.
JASPER: Shale is fascinating because it splits in layers.
BEATRIX: Much like my patience is splitting into pieces.
JASPER: Now we are getting to the emotional core, really.
BEATRIX: The core of my emotion is "get me out of here".
JASPER: Let us go to the museum and see the geodes!
BEATRIX: I am not going to a rock museum with you.
JASPER: Geodes are like surprises wrapped in stone, Beatrix.
BEATRIX: The surprise is that I am still sitting here.
JASPER: You are just shy about your love for geology.
BEATRIX: I am not shy; I am explicitly telling you no.
JASPER: a "no" is just a "yes" that needs more polish.
BEATRIX: My "no" is as smooth as your polished rocks.
JASPER: That is the most romantic thing you've said!
BEATRIX: I am not being romantic; I am being clear.
JASPER: Clarity is like a well-cut diamond, Beatrix.
BEATRIX: Stop it! Just stop comparing things to stones!
JASPER: It is my nature; I am a man of the earth.
BEATRIX: You are a man of the gravel pit, Jasper.
JASPER: Gravel pits are where the real treasures hide.
BEATRIX: The only treasure here is the exit sign, sir.
JASPER: We can find a treasure together in the hills!
BEATRIX: I am not hiking through hills to look at rocks.
JASPER: But we could find a rare piece of obsidian!
BEATRIX: Obsidian is just black glass; it's not that special.
JASPER: It is volcanic glass born from a fiery heart!
BEATRIX: My heart is currently cold as a pebble, Jasper.
JASPER: That is okay; I can warm it with mineral knowledge.
BEATRIX: Please do not try to warm my heart with silt.
JASPER: Silt is the most gentle of all the sediments.
BEATRIX: Gentleness is not what I need right now, sir.
JASPER: You need a bit of stability in your life, Beatrix.
BEATRIX: Stability is having a date who talks about other things.
JASPER: But what else is there besides the earth's crust?
BEATRIX: Movies, music, travel, food, literally everything!
JASPER: Those are all just temporary distractions from stone.
BEATRIX: I love those distractions; they make life fun.
JASPER: Fun is a fleeting emotion; rocks are eternal.
BEATRIX: Eternal boredom is not my idea of a good time.
JASPER: You are just in the "erosion phase" of our date.
BEATRIX: I am eroded to the point of total exhaustion, Jasper.
JASPER: We can rebuild your energy with some amethyst.
BEATRIX: Amethyst will not fix this disaster, you idiot.
JASPER: Idiocy is just a different way of seeing truth.
BEATRIX: The truth is that this date is a failure.
JASPER: Failure is just a rock that hasn't been polished yet.
BEATRIX: I am leaving now; go polish your pebbles, Jasper.
JASPER: Wait! I have one more piece of jasper to show!
BEATRIX: Goodbye, Jasper! Enjoy your dirt!
JASPER: She is definitely into geology; she mentioned erosion!
BEATRIX: I am blocking his number the second I leave.