The Bad Roommate's Exercise

FELIX: Why is there a treadmill in the kitchen, Silas?
SILAS: I like to walk while I wait for microwave.
FELIX: You are blocking the path to the fridge, sir.
SILAS: The fridge is just a destination for the reward.
FELIX: The reward is that I want my cereal, you idiot.
SILAS: Cereal is just a sugary distraction from gains.
FELIX: My gains are currently "not tripping over weights".
SILAS: Weights are the anchors of a strong physique, Felix.
FELIX: Your anchors are currently on my coffee table!
SILAS: The table is now a weight-bench for arm day.
FELIX: It is a piece of furniture for holding drinks, Silas.
SILAS: Drinks are just liquid weights if you hold them.
FELIX: Please stop trying to turn everything into exercise.
SILAS: Life is a gym and we are all just trainees, Felix.
FELIX: I am a trainee in the art of wanting peace, sir.
SILAS: Peace is found at the end of a heavy set, truly.
FELIX: My set consists of walking to my bedroom, man.
SILAS: You can do lunges on the way there, Felix!
FELIX: I am not doing lunges in my own hallway, Silas.
SILAS: Why not? It's a great use of wasted space.
FELIX: The hallway is not "wasted"; it is for walking!
SILAS: Walking is just slow-motion running, my friend.
FELIX: You are making me want to move out right now.
SILAS: Moving is the best cardio you can get, Felix.
FELIX: Stop finding a fitness angle for everything, sir.
SILAS: I am just trying to optimize our domestic flow.
FELIX: Our flow is blocked by a giant exercise ball!
SILAS: The ball is a tool for core stability and fun.
FELIX: It's a tool for me to bounce into the wall, Silas.
SILAS: Bouncing is just a dynamic way of moving, Felix.
FELIX: I prefer static movement; it's called sitting.
SILAS: Sitting is the silent killer of the modern age.
FELIX: Your gym equipment is the loud killer of my peace.
SILAS: Look at this! A pull-up bar in the doorway.
FELIX: You drilled holes into the door frame, you moron!
SILAS: It was a necessary sacrifice for upper body strength.
FELIX: Now the door won't close properly, Silas.
SILAS: Who needs doors when they have strong lats?
FELIX: I need a door to hide from your enthusiasm, sir.
SILAS: Enthusiasm is the fuel that drives the muscle!
FELIX: My fuel is currently coffee and sheer hatred.
SILAS: Hatred is just passion with a negative polarity.
FELIX: My polarity is focused on getting rid of these weights.
SILAS: You cannot get rid of the iron; it is our master.
FELIX: I am the master of my lease, you weirdo.
SILAS: We can start a gym membership for the neighbors!
FELIX: No one wants to workout in a living room with moldy socks.
SILAS: Socks are just evidence of hard work and sweat.
FELIX: Evidence that needs to be thrown in trash, Silas.
SILAS: I have an organic bin for my athletic gear, Felix.
FELIX: An organic bin? It's just a plastic bucket!
SILAS: The contents are organic; therefore, it's organic.
FELIX: That is not how vocabulary works, you idiot.
SILAS: Vocabulary is just a set of labels for the soul.
FELIX: My soul is tired of your "soul" talk, sir.
SILAS: Then let us communicate through the language of pain.
FELIX: I already feel the pain of living with you, Silas.
SILAS: That is just the pre-workout of a great friendship!
FELIX: This friendship is a very heavy weight to carry.
SILAS: Exactly! It's like a deadlift for the heart, Felix.
FELIX: My heart is not doing a deadlift; it's failing.
SILAS: You just need more protein and less complaining.
FELIX: I will complain until you move these weights out.
SILAS: I can't move them; they are in a state of rest.
FELIX: Then put them in the basement where they belong!
SILAS: The basement is for the heavy-duty leg machines.
FELIX: You don't even have a basement, Silas!
SILAS: I am manifesting one through positive thinking.
FELIX: Manifesting does not create real estate, sir.
SILAS: It creates the mental space to imagine a gym.
FELIX: I imagine a world where you live somewhere else.
SILAS: That is a very vivid image; you have potential!
FELIX: My only potential is for a massive headache now.
SILAS: Headaches are just brain-gains from too much thought.
FELIX: I am thinking about calling the landlord right now.
SILAS: Tell him we are increasing the property value, Felix.
FELIX: A home gym that blocks the kitchen is not value.
SILAS: It's a "lifestyle integration" for the modern man.
FELIX: Your lifestyle is a nightmare for my sanity, Silas.
SILAS: Sanity is just a lack of ambition and sweat.
FELIX: I have plenty of ambition to get you out of here.
SILAS: That ambition will make you a great athlete, Felix!
FELIX: I am an athlete in the sport of avoiding you.
SILAS: Then you are already at a professional level, sir!
FELIX: Just take the treadmill out of the kitchen, please.
SILAS: Fine, but only if we put a rowing machine there.
FELIX: GET OUT OF MY SIGHT BEFORE I USE THE WEIGHTS!
SILAS: Now that's the spirit! Let's hit the weights together!
FELIX: I am going to scream into my pillow for an hour.
SILAS: Screaming is great for your lung capacity, Felix!
FELIX: JUST SHUT UP AND GO TO THE GARAGE, Silas!