The Bad Roommate's Gardening

ZEPHYR: Why is there a forest in our living room?
THERON: It is an indoor jungle for better oxygen, Zephyr.
ZEPHYR: Oxygen is great, but dirt on couch is not.
THERON: Dirt is just the skin of the earth, my friend.
ZEPHYR: The earth's skin does not belong on velvet, Theron.
THERON: Velvet is a synthetic lie; soil is the truth.
ZEPHYR: My truth is that I cannot sit down anywhere!
THERON: Sitting is a sedentary habit of the weak, Zephyr.
ZEPHYR: I just want to relax after a long day, sir.
THERON: You can relax by meditating with the ferns.
ZEPHYR: The ferns are currently eating my remote control.
THERON: They are just claiming their territory, Zephyr.
ZEPHYR: This is our territory! Not a fern's territory!
THERON: We are guests in the kingdom of nature, truly.
ZEPHYR: I pay half the rent; I am not a guest here.
THERON: Rent is a human concept; plants don't pay.
ZEPHYR: That is why they do not get to live indoors!
THERON: Plants bring positive energy and spiritual flow.
ZEPHYR: They bring bugs and humidity, you idiot.
ZEPHYR: I just saw a beetle on my toothbrush, Theron.
THERON: Beetles are the architects of the soil, Zephyr.
ZEPHYR: I do not want an architect in my mouth, sir.
THERON: It is a sign that your home is now alive.
ZEPHYR: A house should be a shelter, not a zoo!
THERON: Zoos are just galleries for animal beauty.
ZEPHYR: This is not a gallery; it is a swampy mess.
THERON: I am creating a sustainable ecosystem here, Zephyr.
ZEPHYR: An ecosystem that includes mud on the ceiling?
THERON: I used a misting system for the tropical feel.
ZEPHYR: The "misting system" is just a leaky hose!
THERON: It mimics the rainfall of the Amazon basin.
ZEPHYR: We are in a suburb, not the Amazon, Theron!
THERON: Geography is a limit for those without vision.
ZEPHYR: My vision sees water dripping on my laptop.
THERON: Electronics are just distractions from the green.
ZEPHYR: My laptop is how I make money to live here!
THERON: Money is a ghost; plants are the real wealth.
ZEPHYR: I cannot buy groceries with a potted orchid.
THERON: Orchids provide a beauty that transcends currency.
ZEPHYR: Beauty does not pay for my internet bill, sir.
THERON: Internet is a digital cage for your spirit, Zephyr.
ZEPHYR: My spirit likes streaming movies and ordering food.
THERON: Movies are just fake versions of the real world.
ZEPHYR: The real world currently has vines in the sink.
THERON: Those vines are exploring the plumbing, Zephyr.
ZEPHYR: Exploring is another word for clogging the pipes!
THERON: Clogging is just a way to slow down the flow.
ZEPHYR: Slowing down the water is a disaster for us.
THERON: You are too focused on utility and not art.
ZEPHYR: Gardening in a living room is not art, Theron.
THERON: It is an installation piece titled "The Return".
ZEPHYR: The return of what? The bugs and the mud?
THERON: The return of humanity to its primal roots.
ZEPHYR: My primal roots involve a vacuum and bleach.
THERON: Bleach is a chemical war against nature, Zephyr.
ZEPHYR: I am winning that war in my bedroom, thanks.
THERON: Your room is too sterile; it needs some moss.
ZEPHYR: If you put moss in my room, I will move out.
THERON: Moss is the softest carpet provided by earth.
ZEPHYR: I prefer carpets made of wool and polyester.
THERON: You are a slave to the industrial complex, Zephyr.
ZEPHYR: I am a slave to wanting a dry place to sleep.
THERON: Sleep is better when you are surrounded by leaves.
ZEPHYR: Leaves attract spiders and very strange flies.
THERON: Spiders are just eight-legged poets of silk.
ZEPHYR: Poets that bite me in the middle of night!
THERON: A bite is just a greeting from the wild, Zephyr.
ZEPHYR: I do not want greetings from the wild in bed.
THERON: You are too afraid of the great outdoors, sir.
ZEPHYR: The outdoors is where plants belong, Theron.
THERON: Why limit nature to the outside world, Zephyr?
ZEPHYR: Because inside has things called "walls" and "floors".
THERON: Walls are just suggestions of where space ends.
ZEPHYR: My patience is a space that has finally ended.
THERON: That is the first step toward spiritual awakening.
ZEPHYR: I am awakened to the fact that you are crazy.
THERON: Crazy is just another word for visionary, Zephyr.
ZEPHYR: Your vision includes dirt in my shoes, man.
THERON: Now your shoes carry the essence of forest.
ZEPHYR: My shoes carry a lot of mud and smell bad.
THERON: Smell is the most direct path to memory, Zephyr.
ZEPHYR: This smell reminds me of a damp swamp, Theron.
THERON: Exactly! You are traveling without leaving home.
ZEPHYR: I am traveling to the phone to call landlord.
THERON: Landlords are just guardians of the brick box.
ZEPHYR: He is going to be very upset about the vines.
THERON: He will see the beauty and forgive us, Zephyr.
ZEPHYR: He will see the mud and evict us both, sir.
THERON: Then we can start a jungle in a new place!
ZEPHYR: I am moving out alone and taking my furniture.
THERON: Your furniture would look great with some ivy.
ZEPHYR: GET OUT OF MY SIGHT AND TAKE YOUR PLANTS!
THERON: Nature will always find a way, Zephyr! Always!