The Wrong Order

AURELIA: This is not what I ordered.
WAITER: It is the chef's special, madam.
AURELIA: The special was salmon, not... whatever this is.
WAITER: It is a deconstructed fish essence.
AURELIA: It looks like a wet sponge.
WAITER: A very expensive wet sponge.
AURELIA: I don't want to eat a sponge!
WAITER: It is infused with sea minerals.
AURELIA: Sea minerals? It tastes like salt water.
WAITER: Precisely! The essence of the ocean.
AURELIA: I wanted food, not an ocean experience.
WAITER: The chef is a visionary.
AURELIA: He's a prankster.
WAITER: Art often feels like a joke at first.
AURELIA: This is a joke with a thirty-dollar price tag.
WAITER: Quality comes at a cost.
AURELIA: I am paying for air and salt!
WAITER: It's not air, it's an aromatic foam.
AURELIA: Foam is for bubble baths, not dinner.
WAITER: This foam is curated.
AURELIA: Curated by whom? A soap maker?
WAITER: Please do not insult the chef.
AURELIA: I will when I'm still hungry!
WAITER: Perhaps you would like a side of air-bread?
AURELIA: Air-bread? Is that just a piece of toast?
WAITER: It is toasted oxygen with a hint of wheat.
AURELIA: I am leaving this restaurant.
WAITER: But you haven't tried the dessert!
AURELIA: What is the dessert?
WAITER: A single grape served on a mirror.
AURELIA: A mirror! Why?
WAITER: So you can see your reflection in the fruit.
AURELIA: That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
WAITER: Many critics called it 'bold'.
AURELIA: Critics are paid to be bold.
WAITER: And you are paid to eat.
AURELIA: I am not paying for a mirror-grape!
WAITER: It comes with a drizzle of moon-dew.
AURELIA: Moon-dew? What is moon-dew?
WAITER: A secret blend of water and hope.
AURELIA: Hope doesn't fill my stomach.
WAITER: It fills the soul, madam.
AURELIA: My soul wants a burger.
WAITER: We do not serve burgers here.
AURELIA: Then this is not a restaurant.
WAITER: It is a culinary temple.
AURELIA: I'm leaving the temple!
WAITER: Please leave your credit card first.
AURELIA: For what? The sponge?
WAITER: The essence of the ocean is non-refundable.
AURELIA: This is robbery!
WAITER: It is high art.
AURELIA: High art should not smell like a wet dog.
WAITER: That's the 'earthy' notes.
AURELIA: Earthy means dirt, you lunatic!
WAITER: I prefer the term 'gastronomic explorer'.
AURELIA: Explore your way out of my sight.
WAITER: Shall I bring the check now?
AURELIA: Yes, and make it quick.
WAITER: Would you like a complimentary mint?
AURELIA: Is the mint also an essence?
WAITER: No, it's actually a real mint.
AURELIA: Finally! Something real in this place.
WAITER: It is a very small mint.
AURELIA: I don't care about the size.
WAITER: Here you go.
AURELIA: Wait, this isn't a mint.
WAITER: What is it?
AURELIA: It's a piece of green plastic!
WAITER: Ah, that's the 'Conceptual Mint'.
AURELIA: I am calling the police!
WAITER: They might appreciate the art.
AURELIA: Get me my coat!
WAITER: Your coat is currently being 'curated'.
AURELIA: Curated?! Where is it?
WAITER: The chef is using it as a tablecloth.
AURELIA: I am going to burn this place down.
WAITER: That would be a very fiery finale.
AURELIA: Just give me my coat!
WAITER: One moment, please.
AURELIA: I'm counting to three.
WAITER: One...
AURELIA: TWO...
WAITER: The chef says the coat is now art.
AURELIA: THREE!
WAITER: Oh dear.
AURELIA: GIVE ME MY COAT NOW!
WAITER: Fine, but it has a smudge of sauce on it.
AURELIA: I don't care about the sauce!
WAITER: Such a lack of appreciation for art.
AURELIA: Goodbye, you lunatic!
WAITER: Have a wonderful evening!
AURELIA: NEVER AGAIN!
WAITER: We look forward to your return.
AURELIA: IN YOUR DREAMS!
WAITER: Dreams are where the real food is.
AURELIA: SHUT UP!