The Bad Roommate's Laundry

FELIX: Why is the bathtub full of blue soap?
SILAS: I am doing a deep soak for my shirts.
FELIX: You do not soak shirts in the bathtub, Silas.
SILAS: The tub provides more room for expansion, Felix.
FELIX: Expansion is for balloons, not for cotton.
SILAS: I wanted my shirts to feel more spacious.
FELIX: Spacious means they are too big for you!
SILAS: I prefer a breezy fit for the summer.
FELIX: You can just buy bigger shirts, you idiot.
SILAS: Buying is boring; transforming is an art.
FELIX: Your art has turned my white tee pink.
SILAS: Pink is the color of compassion and love.
FELIX: I do not want a compassionate t-shirt, Silas!
SILAS: Now everyone will know you are a lover, Felix.
FELIX: I am a lover of shirts that stay white!
SILAS: White is too sterile; it lacks a soul.
FELIX: My shirt had a soul; now it has a dye.
SILAS: I used a natural beet juice for the color.
FELIX: Beet juice in the laundry? Are you insane?
SILAS: Nature's dyes are more organic and pure, Felix.
FELIX: Organic stains are harder to remove, Silas.
SILAS: That is because they become part of fabric.
FELIX: I do not want a beet-fabric hybrid shirt!
SILAS: It adds a rustic charm to your wardrobe.
FELIX: Rustic charm does not belong in office, man.
SILAS: Your coworkers need more rustic charm, Felix.
FELIX: They need me to look professional, not pink.
SILAS: Professionalism is just a mask for boredom.
FELIX: Boredom is better than looking like bubblegum.
SILAS: Bubblegum is a fun and playful aesthetic.
FELIX: I am thirty years old; I am not playful.
SILAS: That is exactly why you need the pink, Felix.
FELIX: Why are my socks now the size of coins?
SILAS: I used the boiling water setting for purity.
FELIX: Boiling water shrinks wool, you absolute moron!
SILAS: Now they are concentrated socks, Felix.
FELIX: Concentrated socks do not fit on feet!
SILAS: You can use them as finger puppets, maybe.
FELIX: I am not using my socks as puppets, Silas.
SILAS: It would be a great way to entertain guests.
FELIX: We have no guests because you smell like beets.
SILAS: The beet scent is very grounding and earthy.
FELIX: It smells like a damp basement in autumn.
SILAS: Autumn is the most poetic season, Felix.
FELIX: Poetic scents do not replace deodorant, man.
SILAS: I am using a homemade mud mask for pits.
FELIX: Mud? Why would you put mud on yourself?
SILAS: It draws out the toxins from the skin.
FELIX: You are drawing in dirt and smelling bad!
SILAS: Dirt is just earth's way of hugging us.
FELIX: I do not want a hug from the backyard, Silas.
SILAS: You are so resistant to the natural world.
FELIX: I am resistant to your weird home experiments.
SILAS: Experiments are how we discover new truths.
FELIX: The truth is that you ruined my favorite jeans.
SILAS: They were too blue; they needed some variety.
FELIX: Variety does not mean adding yellow spots!
SILAS: I tried to make a sun-kissed effect, Felix.
FELIX: You used turmeric, didn't you? I can smell it.
SILAS: Turmeric is great for the skin and fabric.
FELIX: It is great for staining everything forever, Silas.
SILAS: Forever is a long time to be sun-kissed.
FELIX: Now my jeans look like a mustard spill.
SILAS: Mustard is a bold and zesty color choice.
FELIX: I am not a zesty person; I am a sad man.
SILAS: Sadness can be cured with a little bit of dye.
FELIX: Do not touch my clothes ever again, Silas.
SILAS: I was just trying to help you glow, Felix.
FELIX: I do not want to glow; I want to be normal.
SILAS: Normal is just a lack of creative courage.
FELIX: Courage is knowing when to stop using beets.
SILAS: Beets are the future of fashion, I swear.
FELIX: The future of fashion should avoid the tub.
SILAS: Tubbing is the most relaxing way to clean.
FELIX: It is the most relaxing way to destroy cotton.
SILAS: Look! My towel is now a beautiful orange.
FELIX: It looks like a giant carrot, you idiot.
SILAS: Carrots are good for the eyesight, Felix.
FELIX: I can see the disaster clearly with my eyes.
SILAS: You have a very sharp eye for detail, Felix.
FELIX: That is because the details are all wrong!
SILAS: Wrong is just right from a different angle.
FELIX: There is no angle where this is right, Silas.
SILAS: Maybe if you squint your eyes a little bit.
FELIX: I am squinting and it still looks like trash.
SILAS: Trash is just misplaced treasure, my friend.
FELIX: My clothes are not treasures; they are ruined.
SILAS: We can just dye them all black, then.
FELIX: Black would hide the stains, but not the smell.
SILAS: I will use a scent of mountain pine, Felix.
FELIX: Please do not put any more smells on me.
SILAS: Pine is very refreshing and clean, honestly.
FELIX: Your version of clean is a nightmare, Silas.
SILAS: Nightmares are just adventures in the mind.
FELIX: I am having an adventure in total despair.
SILAS: Despair is just the shadow of great joy.
FELIX: My joy returns when you leave the laundry.
SILAS: I am finished for today; everything is soaked.
FELIX: Everything? Including the bathroom floor, Silas?
SILAS: Yes, the whole room is now a water park.
FELIX: I hate this apartment and I hate your beets.
SILAS: Love you too, Felix! Let's go get pizza!
FELIX: Fine, but you are not allowed to touch napkins.
SILAS: Why? Napkins are great for fabric tests!
FELIX: JUST GO TO THE PIZZA PLACE, Silas!