The Bad Yoga Studio Owner

ZEPHYRA: Why is there a new sign on wall?
OWNER: We must maintain a vibration of purity.
ZEPHYRA: No breathing loudly? How is that possible?
OWNER: Use your nose with extreme subtlety, Zephyra.
ZEPHYRA: I am just breathing to stay alive, sir.
OWNER: Survival should be a quiet process, truly.
ZEPHYRA: This is getting a bit too strict, honestly.
OWNER: Strictness is the path to true alignment.
ZEPHYRA: My alignment is fine with loud breaths.
OWNER: Loud breaths disrupt the cosmic harmony, Zephyra.
ZEPHYRA: Harmony does not mind a little air flow.
OWNER: The air must move like a silent river.
ZEPHYRA: I am more of a splashing waterfall, sir.
OWNER: Then you must learn to be still, Zephyra.
ZEPHYRA: I have been sitting here for twenty minutes.
OWNER: You are sitting with a noisy mind, Zephyra.
ZEPHYRA: My mind is just wondering why we are here.
OWNER: Wondering is the first step toward enlightenment.
ZEPHYRA: Enlightenment should not involve silent breathing.
OWNER: Now, please remove your socks for purity.
ZEPHYRA: I already did that last week, sir.
OWNER: This week requires different types of feet.
ZEPHYRA: What does that even mean? Different feet?
OWNER: Feet that are open to the universe's call.
ZEPHYRA: My feet just want to be warm and soft.
OWNER: Warmth is a distraction from the inner cold.
ZEPHYRA: I do not want to feel inner cold, sir.
OWNER: Coldness clears the fog of the ego, Zephyra.
ZEPHYRA: I prefer a little bit of fog, honestly.
OWNER: Now, no more blinking during the meditation.
ZEPHYRA: No blinking? My eyes will dry out!
OWNER: Dry eyes see the truth more clearly, Zephyra.
ZEPHYRA: Truth is not found in itchy eyeballs, sir.
OWNER: Itchiness is just the ego trying to stay.
ZEPHYRA: My ego is very itchy today, then.
OWNER: Use your will to override the blink reflex.
ZEPHYRA: I am a human, not a statue, Mr. Owner.
OWNER: Statues are the ultimate goal of yoga, Zephyra.
ZEPHYRA: I do not want to be a piece of stone.
OWNER: Stone does not feel the pain of taxes.
ZEPHYRA: That is one good point you made, sir.
OWNER: Now, please only think in shades of blue.
ZEPHYRA: Think in colors? How does that work?
OWNER: Visualize a blue ocean in your mind's eye.
ZEPHYRA: I am visualizing a giant pizza instead.
OWNER: Pizza is a red and yellow thought, Zephyra.
ZEPHYRA: Red and yellow are very tasty colors, sir.
OWNER: Tasty thoughts distract from the void, truly.
ZEPHYRA: The void sounds like it needs some pepperoni.
OWNER: You are challenging the sanctity of this space.
ZEPHYRA: I am just hungry and slightly confused, sir.
OWNER: Hunger is a signal from the lower self.
ZEPHYRA: My lower self wants a slice of pizza.
OWNER: Ignore the stomach; listen to the soul.
ZEPHYRA: My soul also likes crust and melted cheese.
OWNER: You are very resistant to the higher path.
ZEPHYRA: The higher path has too many weird rules.
OWNER: Rules provide the structure for true freedom.
ZEPHYRA: Freedom is not having a rule about blinking.
OWNER: You are focusing on the details, not essence.
ZEPHYRA: The details are what make me uncomfortable, sir.
OWNER: Comfort is the enemy of spiritual growth, Zephyra.
ZEPHYRA: Then I am growing very fast right now.
OWNER: Now, please only whisper your aums today.
ZEPHYRA: A whispered aum is just a quiet sigh.
OWNER: Exactly! The universe loves a gentle sigh.
ZEPHYRA: I think the universe would prefer a shout.
OWNER: Shouting is for the marketplace, not studio.
ZEPHYRA: This studio feels like a very expensive market.
OWNER: We sell peace and tranquility, my dear Zephyra.
ZEPHYRA: You sell stress and weird rules, sir.
OWNER: Stress is just the friction of awakening, truly.
ZEPHYRA: My friction is making me want to leave.
OWNER: Leaving is a sign of a restless spirit.
ZEPHYRA: My spirit is restless because of your signs.
OWNER: The signs are guides for the lost souls.
ZEPHYRA: I am not lost; I know where door is.
OWNER: The door is just another metaphor, Zephyra.
ZEPHYRA: No, it is a piece of wood and metal.
OWNER: You are too attached to the material world.
ZEPHYRA: My attachment is my membership card, sir.
OWNER: Membership is a contract with the divine flow.
ZEPHYRA: It is a contract for twenty dollars a month.
OWNER: Money is just energy in a paper form.
ZEPHYRA: Then your energy is very expensive, Mr. Owner.
OWNER: Purity requires a significant financial investment, Zephyra.
ZEPHYRA: I am investing my time in leaving now.
OWNER: Wait! We have not done the silent scream!
ZEPHYRA: A silent scream? That is just making faces.
OWNER: Making faces is a release of inner tension.
ZEPHYRA: I will do my silent scream in car, sir.
OWNER: Your car is not a consecrated space, Zephyra.
ZEPHYRA: My car has air conditioning and good radio.
OWNER: Radio is just noise for the sleeping mind.
ZEPHYRA: I love the noise! It keeps me awake.
OWNER: Then you are truly a child of chaos, Zephyra.
ZEPHYRA: I embrace the chaos; it is more honest.
OWNER: Honest chaos still needs a few basic rules.
ZEPHYRA: Like no blinking? I am out of here.
OWNER: Namaste! Please return your mat to rack!
ZEPHYRA: My mat is too pure for this room, sir.
OWNER: She has finally understood the lesson of detachment!
ZEPHYRA: No, I just forgot my water bottle, damn it.